Monday, 23 February 2015

Straight From The Heart

Last night the Grammy Awards were on TV, which I managed to stay awake right up until Tim McGraw gave his performance.  I am very happy to hear him sing the heartfelt rendition of the song Glen Campbell had wrote for his family before all had been lost to him as he once knew it to be.

Alzheimer's is a terrible disease for a family to witness happening to their loved one.  My own Mother has dementia (which is the most common type of Alzheimer's)and for the past couple of Years told us all she was 80 years old.  She in fact was going on 87 years this year.  Not even a couple of weeks ago she gave her age correctly at 86 years.  

Alzheimer's is not a disease that only the elderly suffer.  I have personally heard of people in their late 40's and early 50's be diagnosed with this disease.  

My friend's father suffered terribly with Alzheimer's, reliving the days when he had been a medic overseas in World War II.  His poor mind tortured with reliving those days had to be horrifying at times.  Something we never want to experience ourselves.  The pain the families of people suffering with this disease have their own times of self-suffering and sadness beyond sadness at times.  

My thought is good memories of times spent with a person suffering are the ones to hold tightly to, as what else is a person to do?

Every so often I get myself in a "funk".  I have been in a "funk" for almost a Year now and I am having a very difficult time getting myself out of it.  Nobody can do anything for me but support and try to understand what I go through day after day.  The past few months, actually since December 7th, I have spiralled downwards.

It is difficult for some of to admit we are experiencing a mental illness for all the World to hear, as my generation grew up to believe it was a weakness of character.  This belief causes some of us more despair.  

With Fibromyalgia, comes depression.  My Fibro has been heightened the past several months with my muscles feeling like they are going to burst from my skin the pain has been so bad.  Fatigue causing some days almost unbearable to live.   All this time the depression has also gotten worse  

Depression has many faces, with usually the real one hidden which an untrained eye might never witness.

Depression has many forms ... despair, lack of interest, overeating, anxiety, poor health, and much more if I were to think longer on it, or feel like thinking longer on it.

My Doctor has been trying different medications to help me with the Fibro and depression.  I am on a third try with a different medication.  They take time to get in ones system to see if they help or not.  I am hoping this one helps, as if not it means starting all over again with a fourth medication.

This statement:   However, chronic pain can cause feelings of anxiety and depression, which may worsen fibromyalgia symptoms.

The article I took  the above statement from can be found by going HERE.

Believe me, nobody, including myself, wants to live most of their life with Chronic pain, fatigue and depression.  It has gotten to the point of being so bad I do not even want people to come to my home anymore, or really want to do much.  I find myself fretting about my son's upcoming wedding this Year, and a Family Reunion.  These should be happy times in my Life for me, but at the moment cause me anxiety that I seem unable to control as much as I have tried.  

My home feels like it is falling down around me.  I guess the only thing that has been keeping me sane is HAVING to look after our Aussies.  I think about how much time might be spent in bed if I did not have our Aussies.  My husband is also been very supportive, to the point when I had been invited out yesterday, I came home to the dishes washed for me and the bed made.  Bless his heart, he might not be comfortable discussing how I am feeling at times, but he does show he understands and cares.  This morning, one of the coldest this Winter, he even let me stay in bed while he looked after our four Aussies, then called me at 7:30 am with a Tim Horton's coffee.  He is a keeper (now he is almost fully trained, mind you), and I love him with all my heart.

My friend, Vicki, has been my rock the past few months.  I know at times I impose on her, but not once as she not taken the time out of her life to hear how I am feeling, or not feeling.  Thank you Vicki, I love you even more for this then I might never say.

There it is out.  I have been hiding my sluggish behaviour behind my smiles and push myself energy, that I have barely had any of. 

Now I have said it, I pray I can stop beating myself up about not getting my house clean, or barely getting the book work done, or forgetting an appointment, or not feeling like going some where. 

Now maybe I can concentrate on getting myself better, as if I am better I will feel better for myself and others.

I love living ! and I have for months been anguishing over not being capable of living life as I want to.  This I need to work towards again to reclaim my Life as I want it without fatigue and depression. Pain I am used to and can tolerate, it is what has been going along with the pain that causes me my dilemma .  

To be quite honest, not only is it the Fibromyalgia, Fatigue and Depression, Menopause also has contributed to my health, or lack of it.  Not a great combination at the best of times I am sure.  

I know I am not the only person who is suffering from some type of illness, but this is happening to me and I am owning it by living it day in and day out.  I need to keep working towards that light which I know will put a REAL smile on my face and give me those belly laughs back that tickle me pink.

I have risen above the darkness before, and I know I can do it again, it just takes more energy some days then others.

Just as I had sat down to write this post, my friend, Vicki, had sent this video to me .... never a lack of encouragement from her, and yes it did make me *smile*.  Thank you xx

More *smiles* can be found over on The "Checkerboard Aussies", Australian Shepherd Dogs' Facebook page by going HERE.  

That is all she wrote this day, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.


  1. Oh Cindy, you should have called, you know where I am.

    By the way, I told my trainer no videos when I exercise!!!!!!

  2. HUGS HUGS HUGS Oh Cindy I understand where you are my Mom has Alzheimer's I have Fibro and this cold winter has kicked it into an level I have never experienced before . We are in an unexpected early calving season here on the farm and it is too cold for me. Oh Do know you are not alone my friend. Spring is coming and it is going to be wnderful. HUGS HUGS B

  3. Depression's my demon to live with- I call it the black wall. I don't need meds for it, but I have an ongoing regular check in with a therapist, and that's helped a lot.

    One of the things that I've picked up is that music is a good way to push back against it, but it has to be the right kind of music. For me, Duke Ellington's Take The A Train does nicely, some Great Big Sea, or Beethoven.

  4. So sorry you're feeling that bad. I read about your days regularly, but I'm not good at leaving comments, but I'll be thinking of you and hoping for spring to arrive soon!

  5. Oh Cindy, bless your heart. Sending gentle hugs your way. We're in an awful "club" aren't we?
    Your Mum always looks so happy in your photos. I hope she stays that way right to the end of her days.

  6. Sending hugs. Depression is a bugger all right. And this winter is certainly not helping. Spring must be around the corner. Take care of yourself.


How nice of you to drop around to have a wee visit with me to see what I have been up to from time to time. I look forward to your comments as they add much brightness to my each and every day to know there are such wonderful people out there.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...