Undecided But What I Do Know

I am undecided as to whether or not to create a new blog for my Mental Illness struggles and dark days, as I feel maybe I should hide the reality and truth of some of my days, instead of putting a heavy mask on again and blog all "Sunshine & Lollipops" in my long time blog here.  Most people don't understand how someone can appear happy but be depressed, or if they sincerely can have a happy day or more, then other days be down and depressesd.

I have also had a Lifetime of not being confident in making decisions, aftermath of the way I was brought up I am now certain since I have made myself more knowledgeable about my illnesses the past 5 years or so, and still doing so daily.

Why I did stop blogging for a couple of years when I had crashed into a Bipolar Depression was my daily blog posts would have been very dark more then likely consisting of one sentence posts saying, "today I am very depressed, sad, with no energy", or some days worse then that.

Here I sit this morning being awake most of the night, experiencing "panic attacks", being "indecisive", "depressed" and in tears..... what do I do? begin a new blog with a new name where nobody could find me and read about the darkness which is my reality some days?  I just don't know...

What I do know my husband, Rob, came home last night and was ever so kind trying to console me about me "hating myself", what I do know is I try very hard to push "negative" thoughts away and replace them with "positive", what I do know I do so much "self talk", what I do know is I "work very hard daily on my mental illnesses", what I do know it exhausts me "wearing a Mask and pretending to feel what I am not feeling", what I do know is "I hate living the way I am at times", what I do know "I am better then I was a year ago", what I do know is "many people support me", what I do know is "I am loved", what I do know is, "I am very empathetic and kind to others", what I do know is, "I am a good person", what I do know is "I am a good daughter, sibling and friend", what I do know is "I am a very sensitive & passionate person", what I do know is "I hate confrontations", what I do know is "I love my pets", what I do know is "I am scared of the unknown", what I do know is ….. much more....

…..but what I don't know is why I want to self destruct, as I have many times throughout my life, and why I am feeling so depressed, horrible, scared and sad.

People, I know, sometimes see me doing things, laughing, but they have no idea where I go in my head when I am alone, even times when I am in the company of others.  People with mental illnesses do get so tired of being who they are expected to be, of wearing a heavy mask to cover up their real feelings, being afraid of judgement should they really show themselves....I am so tired today.

So the question still remains, "do I create a new blog" to hide behind along with my Mental Illnesses?

This is all she wrote......Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard

Downpayments & Savings

Yes this was exactly what Rob & I had been thinking as we did a quick shop in our local Foodland Store yesterday.  Rob mentioned he should check the price when he was over in Owen Sound next, I told him not to bother as $7.00 per head of cauliflower is the going rate this Season..... can you believe we would ever see the day of these prices for veggies? or anything else for that matter.

The bonus this Winter? gas prices have stayed down .... "touch wood".

I was in need of a double boiler.  Rankin had one for $59.00 of very good quality, however I could not justify adding another pot to my already "overstuffed" pot and pan cupboard at that price.  This morning I checked with the Wiarton Home Building Centre and found an insert for $21.99.  They called me back to tell me they had one in stock and they were on sale for $4.99 this week !  I didn't even hesitate to take them up on that deal of the week ....

.... oh yes a photo of not only my great deal of the $4.99 double boiler insert, also a photo of the yummy chili I made from Moose meat yesterday.  

It seems like the last few days we have had a whole Winter's worth of snow dumped on us.  Of course our tractor has not been working just when we need it the most.

The Small Engine shop downtown at Pinkerton's Carquest had a used walk behind snow blower for sale used.  They brought it out for Rob to try, against my better judgement.  If anyone should have any idea how large of area our horseshoe lane way and parking area is, you will also know we are not keeping the walk behind snow blower, and our tractor will be going in for repairs on Monday.  In the meantime we have a neighbour who we have hired to keep our lane way cleaned out until we get our tractor back.

Rob's back and hips were not going to be able to do this even on one of his "best" days.  Regardless there is a really good deal on a Snowblower downtown Wiarton at Pinkerton's Carquest.

My girlfriend, Sharon, called me from Florida today !!!  they are having cool weather down there too, but only in their 50's , not quite as cold as here yet.  We had a nice chat.

I had told Sharon I have been wearing out on my walks the cowl she made for me two years ago.  I LOVE it, and thanks again Sharon !!!

I most certainly appreciate when anyone does anything  for me, or gives me something.  I am flattered that I am cared enough about that someone is thoughtful enough to have me in their thoughts, so I could never imagine not be grateful.

I was doing some more reading up on my enemy "depression" and "bipolar".  I need to lighten up on myself somewhat as for the length of time I have been sick over the past couple of years my body has suffered in not only weight gain by the medications, but also by loosing muscle mass as well since I have not been so active for many of these past months.  I have to realize it will take time for me to regain energy levels I had once, being careful I do not become "sick" again in a bipolar "high", but hopefully to retain a somewhat "norm" state.

Yes at times I am my own worse enemy, but the more I have been educating myself on Bipolar Disorder the more I am being aware of what is what with myself.  You can not educate yourself enough is my opinion.

With more Mental Awareness out in the open now a days, thanks to organizations like "Bell Let's Talk", there is no reason for ignorance any longer.  Check out how you can you be a part of it every day and on the 27th of January by going HERE.  Thank you in advance for your support.

Today I managed to do 1/2 mile walk with Leslie Sansone, and another walk with my other friend, Sharon.  So far I have walked 5923 steps (4 km) today !  My long term goal will be 10,000 steps a day once I get myself built to do that on a daily basis.

It has been this kind of day for some of us this day .....

..... Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Straight From The Heart

Last night the Grammy Awards were on TV, which I managed to stay awake right up until Tim McGraw gave his performance.  I am very happy to hear him sing the heartfelt rendition of the song Glen Campbell had wrote for his family before all had been lost to him as he once knew it to be.

Alzheimer's is a terrible disease for a family to witness happening to their loved one.  My own Mother has dementia (which is the most common type of Alzheimer's)and for the past couple of Years told us all she was 80 years old.  She in fact was going on 87 years this year.  Not even a couple of weeks ago she gave her age correctly at 86 years.  

Alzheimer's is not a disease that only the elderly suffer.  I have personally heard of people in their late 40's and early 50's be diagnosed with this disease.  

My friend's father suffered terribly with Alzheimer's, reliving the days when he had been a medic overseas in World War II.  His poor mind tortured with reliving those days had to be horrifying at times.  Something we never want to experience ourselves.  The pain the families of people suffering with this disease have their own times of self-suffering and sadness beyond sadness at times.  

My thought is good memories of times spent with a person suffering are the ones to hold tightly to, as what else is a person to do?

Every so often I get myself in a "funk".  I have been in a "funk" for almost a Year now and I am having a very difficult time getting myself out of it.  Nobody can do anything for me but support and try to understand what I go through day after day.  The past few months, actually since December 7th, I have spiralled downwards.

It is difficult for some of to admit we are experiencing a mental illness for all the World to hear, as my generation grew up to believe it was a weakness of character.  This belief causes some of us more despair.  

With Fibromyalgia, comes depression.  My Fibro has been heightened the past several months with my muscles feeling like they are going to burst from my skin the pain has been so bad.  Fatigue causing some days almost unbearable to live.   All this time the depression has also gotten worse  

Depression has many faces, with usually the real one hidden which an untrained eye might never witness.

Depression has many forms ... despair, lack of interest, overeating, anxiety, poor health, and much more if I were to think longer on it, or feel like thinking longer on it.

My Doctor has been trying different medications to help me with the Fibro and depression.  I am on a third try with a different medication.  They take time to get in ones system to see if they help or not.  I am hoping this one helps, as if not it means starting all over again with a fourth medication.

This statement:   However, chronic pain can cause feelings of anxiety and depression, which may worsen fibromyalgia symptoms.

The article I took  the above statement from can be found by going HERE.

Believe me, nobody, including myself, wants to live most of their life with Chronic pain, fatigue and depression.  It has gotten to the point of being so bad I do not even want people to come to my home anymore, or really want to do much.  I find myself fretting about my son's upcoming wedding this Year, and a Family Reunion.  These should be happy times in my Life for me, but at the moment cause me anxiety that I seem unable to control as much as I have tried.  

My home feels like it is falling down around me.  I guess the only thing that has been keeping me sane is HAVING to look after our Aussies.  I think about how much time might be spent in bed if I did not have our Aussies.  My husband is also been very supportive, to the point when I had been invited out yesterday, I came home to the dishes washed for me and the bed made.  Bless his heart, he might not be comfortable discussing how I am feeling at times, but he does show he understands and cares.  This morning, one of the coldest this Winter, he even let me stay in bed while he looked after our four Aussies, then called me at 7:30 am with a Tim Horton's coffee.  He is a keeper (now he is almost fully trained, mind you), and I love him with all my heart.

My friend, Vicki, has been my rock the past few months.  I know at times I impose on her, but not once as she not taken the time out of her life to hear how I am feeling, or not feeling.  Thank you Vicki, I love you even more for this then I might never say.

There it is out.  I have been hiding my sluggish behaviour behind my smiles and push myself energy, that I have barely had any of. 

Now I have said it, I pray I can stop beating myself up about not getting my house clean, or barely getting the book work done, or forgetting an appointment, or not feeling like going some where. 

Now maybe I can concentrate on getting myself better, as if I am better I will feel better for myself and others.

I love living ! and I have for months been anguishing over not being capable of living life as I want to.  This I need to work towards again to reclaim my Life as I want it without fatigue and depression. Pain I am used to and can tolerate, it is what has been going along with the pain that causes me my dilemma .  

To be quite honest, not only is it the Fibromyalgia, Fatigue and Depression, Menopause also has contributed to my health, or lack of it.  Not a great combination at the best of times I am sure.  

I know I am not the only person who is suffering from some type of illness, but this is happening to me and I am owning it by living it day in and day out.  I need to keep working towards that light which I know will put a REAL smile on my face and give me those belly laughs back that tickle me pink.

I have risen above the darkness before, and I know I can do it again, it just takes more energy some days then others.

Just as I had sat down to write this post, my friend, Vicki, had sent this video to me .... never a lack of encouragement from her, and yes it did make me *smile*.  Thank you xx

More *smiles* can be found over on The "Checkerboard Aussies", Australian Shepherd Dogs' Facebook page by going HERE.  

That is all she wrote this day, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Some Days ...

What a gorgeous day it was with a full sky of sunshine despite double digits in the minuses from -20 to -13, with the barometer sitting at -10 presently outside my doors.

The Festive Five 2014 Litter was recycled again this morning while I cleaned out a very "stinky" pen.  Mornings are the worse, as throughout the daytime I keep on top of it between 3 time feedings.  Their personalities have really been showing, as well as lots and lots of Aussie puppy energy.  Should it not be so cold I would have had them all for a romp in the snow to burn some of that energy off ... brrr it has been.

The other day I had posted the Wiarton Train Station which is located down in Wiarton's Bluewater Park, abutting the shoreline of Colpoy's Bay.

Today a follower on Wiarton's Facebook page shared their photo of when the Wiarton Train Station was moved to where it now sits.  More captivating information may be read by *clicking* HERE.  I love History and thought this all to be very interesting.

My Son, Paul,  had the surgery on his broken finger completed last night around 11 pm.  He is to be off from his job for a month with it, doing hand therapy within that timeline.

The swelling is up and the pain unbearable.  Yes at the tip is the wire sticking out of the top of his finger.  I do not think my Paul will be sticking his hand into a plugged snow blower anytime in the near future or ever again.  I shirk at the thoughts of how much pain he is experiencing with this.

Some days I think I could throw in the towel.  Today was one of those days.  I went to see my Doctor today where it was determined my medications needed to be "changed up" again to find a better fit.  The meds I will be switching to cause weight gain.  I have never had a weight problem until the past Year wherein I have gained 20 lbs., which is 20 lbs more then what I weighted when 9 months expecting with my youngest son !  YIKES !!!   To me it has been 20 lbs of depression, and to hear I will probably be gaining more weight almost sent me over the edge.

This new medication is to get the Fibromyalgia's chronic pain/depression/fatigue under control as it had been spiraling downward again the past Year.  Fibro requires one pacing themselves and routine.  My life the past Year has afforded neither, and until it does I am beginning to realize I need help through medication.  I had been on Lyrica for two years with barely to no relief at all, and did not want to continue putting chemicals in my body which were not giving me any relief.  Now we are trying a couple different kinds of meds to see if we can find a "fit".

Menopause thrown into the mix has not been kind at all, as most woman who experience can attest to.

Unseen diseases are so difficult for the one who suffers with them.  Should another not see, or have felt same themselves, the disease they do not "get it".  Really those people who say or think, "just get over it" truly drive me mad, as no some things you just can't "get over" by snapping your fingers. 

A battle within, usually spent in Silence, can be the most difficult for some of us at the best of times.  Good friends, family, understanding and support makes all the difference in the World.  I have gone on and on about the same things I have been going through continuously with a couple of my very good friends, and my one Sister, who listen and never stop me ... it helps to have that kind of understanding and support, and I pray I always give the same back when it is required of me.

I am happy I started blogging, coming up four years now, as I have found it to be a release some of the time to get it out before me.  I do it for myself, as it is something nobody can take from me, with how I feel.  My feelings & thoughts will always be my own, as the days of being what other people wanted me to be are long behind me..

How will I go forward? well I did not handle the news to well first off, immediately going to the grocery store buying 3 pints of blueberries and eating them all myself.  Yes it was a healthy binge, but still one that cost me 600 calories.  The upside was I was beyond full and if I had ate one 500 calorie Time Horton's donut I might not have achieved a full feeling probably going for 5 more donuts... *smile*.  Since time does not wait for us, I will go forward attempting to see the light at the end of my tunnel hoping it holds health and wellness.  What more could one wish for?

That is all she wrote this day, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.