Downpayments & Savings

Yes this was exactly what Rob & I had been thinking as we did a quick shop in our local Foodland Store yesterday.  Rob mentioned he should check the price when he was over in Owen Sound next, I told him not to bother as $7.00 per head of cauliflower is the going rate this Season..... can you believe we would ever see the day of these prices for veggies? or anything else for that matter.

The bonus this Winter? gas prices have stayed down .... "touch wood".

I was in need of a double boiler.  Rankin had one for $59.00 of very good quality, however I could not justify adding another pot to my already "overstuffed" pot and pan cupboard at that price.  This morning I checked with the Wiarton Home Building Centre and found an insert for $21.99.  They called me back to tell me they had one in stock and they were on sale for $4.99 this week !  I didn't even hesitate to take them up on that deal of the week ....

.... oh yes a photo of not only my great deal of the $4.99 double boiler insert, also a photo of the yummy chili I made from Moose meat yesterday.  

It seems like the last few days we have had a whole Winter's worth of snow dumped on us.  Of course our tractor has not been working just when we need it the most.

The Small Engine shop downtown at Pinkerton's Carquest had a used walk behind snow blower for sale used.  They brought it out for Rob to try, against my better judgement.  If anyone should have any idea how large of area our horseshoe lane way and parking area is, you will also know we are not keeping the walk behind snow blower, and our tractor will be going in for repairs on Monday.  In the meantime we have a neighbour who we have hired to keep our lane way cleaned out until we get our tractor back.

Rob's back and hips were not going to be able to do this even on one of his "best" days.  Regardless there is a really good deal on a Snowblower downtown Wiarton at Pinkerton's Carquest.

My girlfriend, Sharon, called me from Florida today !!!  they are having cool weather down there too, but only in their 50's , not quite as cold as here yet.  We had a nice chat.

I had told Sharon I have been wearing out on my walks the cowl she made for me two years ago.  I LOVE it, and thanks again Sharon !!!

I most certainly appreciate when anyone does anything  for me, or gives me something.  I am flattered that I am cared enough about that someone is thoughtful enough to have me in their thoughts, so I could never imagine not be grateful.

I was doing some more reading up on my enemy "depression" and "bipolar".  I need to lighten up on myself somewhat as for the length of time I have been sick over the past couple of years my body has suffered in not only weight gain by the medications, but also by loosing muscle mass as well since I have not been so active for many of these past months.  I have to realize it will take time for me to regain energy levels I had once, being careful I do not become "sick" again in a bipolar "high", but hopefully to retain a somewhat "norm" state.

Yes at times I am my own worse enemy, but the more I have been educating myself on Bipolar Disorder the more I am being aware of what is what with myself.  You can not educate yourself enough is my opinion.

With more Mental Awareness out in the open now a days, thanks to organizations like "Bell Let's Talk", there is no reason for ignorance any longer.  Check out how you can you be a part of it every day and on the 27th of January by going HERE.  Thank you in advance for your support.

Today I managed to do 1/2 mile walk with Leslie Sansone, and another walk with my other friend, Sharon.  So far I have walked 5923 steps (4 km) today !  My long term goal will be 10,000 steps a day once I get myself built to do that on a daily basis.

It has been this kind of day for some of us this day .....

..... Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

I'm Fine, Just Tired

Where does one begin? of course at the beginning.  The above? this is me and has been me for many, many years, since I was in my late teens or earlier I suspect if I could remember.  Either tired, or on a "high" with feeling somewhat normal episodes in-between.  It was never addressed then, and probably back then not a common thing even thought of, never mind discussed.

What is it? it is Bipolar 2, and after all these years I finally know what it is, but that fact in itself is not helping me deal with it in my now depressed state any better.

This past September, after the 5th antidepressant this past year prescribed for the Fibromyalgia not working, my Doctor asked me how my moods were.  We concluded I am Bipolar, with him being sorry he had not suspected for so long as we had been trying to deal with managing my pain.

Next step? being put on Lithium which is used to treat Bipolar.  After a month on this medication was there an improvement? no, I was slipping faster and faster into depression, with my Doctor referring me to a Physiatrist, Dr. John Lucas in Owen Sound.  This was a week ago this past Friday.

My meeting with Dr. Lucas was eventful by confirming Dr. Diodati's diagnosis, however as Dr. Lucas explained Lithium would be great to help with the manic part of bipolar, but not with the depression end of it.  A fairly new med was then prescribed, Latuda, which I began taking this past Thursday evening.  Dr. Lucas is a sincerely empathic kind man, and I found the 1 1/2 hours I had spent with him most comfortable, even sharing most some most uncomfortable times in my past with him.  There was no judging or criticism, only caring and compassion.  My tears flowed uncontrollably, however he never made me feel embarrassed once, nor silly while going on in my blubbering garble.

My past in "manic" states? I have lost 2 jobs, acted inappropriately many times making me slide into depressed states cause surely by being upset with my own actions.  A terrible place of not understanding what was going on within my head, sometimes thinking I would never escape its grip.

All the antidepressants I had been on since last year had been making the Bipolar Depression worse, as they were not "Mood" inhibitors (if that even is the proper way to describe it).  Hopefully the Latuda will help stabilize me, as this is the longest I have ever been depressed with no sign of it lifting, and it has been terrifying.

Why terrifying? because I always worry about people judging me, and not understanding.  Why would I feel this way? as my life has slid downhill, and I really mean downhill with my house, once organized, being a shambles with no organization at all.  I am lucky to make the bed and do up a few dishes daily, never mind those other things which keep a home managed and tidy.  Yes it has been a roller coaster ride, and most days not a very fun one.  I have seemingly, once again in my Life, lost control of it.

I am very fortunate to have understanding friends and family. I can not imagine how people manage without, however suspect more end up committing suicide then not.  A question might come to mind, have I attempted suicide? yes, twice, almost being successful both times, but by the Grace of God, and my brother coming to my rescue by getting me to a hospital a hair short of my life, here I am.

Roller Coaster you might wonder? well today my Auntie called me, and I answered hoping I sounded fine.  Not even an hour later I was a puddle of anxiety and tears, calling my sister who was not home, then next my girlfriend, Vicki, who distracted me enough until I came around a bit better.  This state was not caused by my Auntie's phone call, just the way I am any given time throughout a day.

This diagnosis has explained many of my actions, or lack there of, in past Year.  Now? we will wait and see if I don't eat myself into oblivion beforehand, or worry myself beyond repair.  No it is not fun, and many days I am grateful, not for the death of Robin Williams, but for the knowledge of Bipolar disorder being brought into the light, more so because of his death, and hopefully for more and better understanding of the disorder.

Mental illness, like Fibromyalgia, is a disease you are unable to see, however not seeing something should not mean someone should not be empathetic, should it?  I believe not.

My salvation? having a loving husband, as Rob is to me, and for standing by each other these past 21 years, and still now, regardless of how bad our ups and downs have been.

Those who know me personally, or those who have been following my daily journal here, have more then likely noticed a change the past Year as I never bake any more, I rarely cook, and gardening? a thing of the past for me, and now my daily journal has been lacking as well.  All my interests have gone to the wayside as I  no longer have any energy or desire, along with other things in my life.  I would be mortified right now should someone come to my door and want entry, I could not bare this with the state of my once organization having now been lost.  I am very *sad*, and hope there will be a road of recovery ahead in the very near future.

The Latuda website has some very good information on Bipolar, it may be found by *clicking* HERE., which outlines some information such as follows:

More Signs & Symptoms to Watch For

The signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder are different depending on the type of episode (i.e., manic or depressive). Each episode marks a drastic change from the way a person usually acts and their typical mood.

The Lows

Symptoms of a depressive episode (bipolar depression) may include:

• No interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Loss of energy
• Difficulty sleeping—either sleeping too much or not at all
• Changes in appetite—eating too much or too little
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

The Highs

Symptoms of a manic episode may include:

• Feelings of euphoria, abnormal excitement, or elevated mood
• Talking very rapidly or excessively
• Needing less sleep than normal, yet still having plenty of energy
• Feeling agitated, irritable, hyper, or easily distracted
• Engaging in risky behavior such as lavish spending, impulsive sexual encounters, or ill-advised business decisions

Mental Illness still has a stigma attached to it in today day and age, and moreso when I was growing up, when it was never spoke about, or in hushed tones if it had been.  It took me a lot of thought before I could share this today, however I believe it will help me, and hopefully others by doing so.

Thank you for not rejecting me.  Sympathy, I do not need, Empathy? yes please.

Thank is all she wrote, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.