Undecided But What I Do Know

I am undecided as to whether or not to create a new blog for my Mental Illness struggles and dark days, as I feel maybe I should hide the reality and truth of some of my days, instead of putting a heavy mask on again and blog all "Sunshine & Lollipops" in my long time blog here.  Most people don't understand how someone can appear happy but be depressed, or if they sincerely can have a happy day or more, then other days be down and depressesd.

I have also had a Lifetime of not being confident in making decisions, aftermath of the way I was brought up I am now certain since I have made myself more knowledgeable about my illnesses the past 5 years or so, and still doing so daily.

Why I did stop blogging for a couple of years when I had crashed into a Bipolar Depression was my daily blog posts would have been very dark more then likely consisting of one sentence posts saying, "today I am very depressed, sad, with no energy", or some days worse then that.

Here I sit this morning being awake most of the night, experiencing "panic attacks", being "indecisive", "depressed" and in tears..... what do I do? begin a new blog with a new name where nobody could find me and read about the darkness which is my reality some days?  I just don't know...

What I do know my husband, Rob, came home last night and was ever so kind trying to console me about me "hating myself", what I do know is I try very hard to push "negative" thoughts away and replace them with "positive", what I do know I do so much "self talk", what I do know is I "work very hard daily on my mental illnesses", what I do know it exhausts me "wearing a Mask and pretending to feel what I am not feeling", what I do know is "I hate living the way I am at times", what I do know "I am better then I was a year ago", what I do know is "many people support me", what I do know is "I am loved", what I do know is, "I am very empathetic and kind to others", what I do know is, "I am a good person", what I do know is "I am a good daughter, sibling and friend", what I do know is "I am a very sensitive & passionate person", what I do know is "I hate confrontations", what I do know is "I love my pets", what I do know is "I am scared of the unknown", what I do know is ….. much more....

…..but what I don't know is why I want to self destruct, as I have many times throughout my life, and why I am feeling so depressed, horrible, scared and sad.

People, I know, sometimes see me doing things, laughing, but they have no idea where I go in my head when I am alone, even times when I am in the company of others.  People with mental illnesses do get so tired of being who they are expected to be, of wearing a heavy mask to cover up their real feelings, being afraid of judgement should they really show themselves....I am so tired today.

So the question still remains, "do I create a new blog" to hide behind along with my Mental Illnesses?

This is all she wrote......Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard