I Really Thought I Could

 I really thought I could pull it off, however putting 5 hours a day into 10 puppies, and barely getting anything else done, blogging is going to have to be on the back burner on a daily basis.

I am still going to give myself an "E" for effort, as it is a lot of working looking after 10 little ...

"Oh how sweet these recycled babes are", Jan 2/23

"Could you imagine any more innocent puppy faces then these 10", Jan 4/23.

Let's fast forward a week later, which just happens to be today....

"Let me introduce you to the "Seek & Destroy" Gang" 

I have soooo much lovely things to blog about... the beautiful gardens I put in last Summer, the renovations we did the Year before, and the renovations we are just in the midst of completing, however no time to do so in the moment now, nor in the next couple of weeks....

Please think not I complain, I am just too dang busy to blog everyday as I had envisioned myself doing again.  Guess what? I have had to rethink that for now... hahaha.

Until then...

This is all she wrote...."Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Over At The Checkerboard Aussies

Beyond busy is an understatement with 10 puppies to attend to, never mind anything else.

Honest to goodness their whelping pen is cleaner then our living quarters. Why? because I spend a lot of time with those Checkerboard Puppers.

On that note, there will be some posts going on over at the Checkerboard Aussies Blog, so head on over at the following link:

The Checkerboard Aussies, Australian Shepherd Dogs

This is all she wrote this day....."Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Everything Aussies

With the arrival of the 10 puppies on December 2nd/2022, my Life has been nothing but "Everything Aussies", as in Australian Shepherd Dogs. 

I’ve been breeding Aussies for going on 16 Years now.  We are known as the Checkerboard Aussies.  How did we come to choosing this name? I was talking to my Cousin Brad & his wife, Paula, when I first started breeding Aussies, saying to them, “I have no idea what to call ourselves”  immediately Brad suggested the “Checkerboard Aussies, which truly is very fitting considering we are South of the Checkerboard.

From a young girl, before becoming a teenager, I recall telling a friend I wanted to have lots of property, horses & to breed German Shepherd Dogs  

That dream became reality when I lived in Kitchener ON, breeding German Shepherd Dogs.  After a couple of litters we kept one of the pups, who we had named Boggie.  At 125 lbs., he was truly a gentle giant, loving people, other dogs, cats, & even came nose to nose with a field mouse not even making a move to show it any harm.  We lost our sweet Bog when he was 12 1/2 years old. He had been one of the best dogs in my Lifetime, until I was blessed to have a 2nd best dog. 

When I moved back to Bruce County, as I am a true blue Bruce County Girl born & raised in Southampton, ON, going on 20 Years this Year, we bought our first Australian Shepherd.

My husband, Rob, had no idea what I was talking about when I told him I wanted an Aussie.  Two years prior I had been on the Internet checking out Blue Heelers, and Aussies.  Shortly after moving here to Wiarton we got our first Aussie, Blue, who we tragically lost by someone coming into our driveway one night & hitting him.  We were devastated as he loved me & was very bonded to me.  My friend called me not long after we lost Blue telling me about a litter of Aussies.  This is how we came to have Bandit, my 2nd best dog in my Lifetime.  

Bandit DOB June 2005

Bandit Loved our Grandson, Aiden, who was a Year older then him.  Where Aiden was, Bandit was.  Bandit was an amazing Babysitter/Protector.  The one time we had Aiden for a week, I couldn't find Aiden, I was calling and calling, almost frantic.  At the back of the house coming out from the Hay field was Aiden with Bandit following right behind him.  I never had to worry about Aiden as Bandit never left his side.

Bandit also helped every new puppy we brought into our pack. Our first female, Lexus, not the pup in this photo, used to get into my flowerbeds when I was weeding them.  When I told her "NO flowerbeds, get", Bandit used to go up behind her, drag her by the back of the neck out of the flowerbeds.  This boy was always my right hand Best Friend.  Bandit loved everyone, especially our grandchildren.  He loved the cats, other dogs, and anyone he met on his Life journey.

My Mother lived with us for 5 Years, & she also loved him so very much.  When she moved into the Nursing Home he sometimes got to go along to visit her too.  Of course, by the photo, it made her day seeing him too.

Oh yes, Bandit was his dad's boy too.  When Rob was outside, you were sure to also find Bandit right along.  When Rob went to go in the truck, Bandit made sure he was in there right along with him.  Have you ever seen a picture with a dog showing his Master so much affection as this one?

This boy could put a *smile* on your face on the worst of days.

When I came home I always had the best greeting in the World I could ever have from this boy.  I went away down to Nova Scotia for 3 days, and Bandit didn't move from the top of the stairs the whole time I was gone waiting for me to come home.  Bandit was my boy, through & through.

Bandit had the most beautiful *smiles* in the World, can't you tell?

My & Rob's Bandit Boy.

My Boy, My Bandit 

I could share many many more photos of Bandit, and many more wonderful stories about his Life with us, however I am certain it would take page and pages of this blog post.

Thanksgiving Monday, 2017, we lost our boy, he was 12 1/2.  I think of him often, I look at photos of him & still cry, I miss this boy so much.  He was my joy & my comfort many times through all the years he was mine.  Bandit has a piece of my Heart forever.

Bandit was the "Checkerboard Aussies, Australian Dogs.

This is all she wrote this day..... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".

Steal of a Deal

 I didn't think I was going to get a post in today... I have the feeling this is going to be my starting line every day, as I am always beyond busy.  

We have ongoing renos which, I hope, are going to wrap up soon.  I am excited to share all that in a later post.  We renovated our bedroom & downstairs washroom 2 years ago, last year the main floor bathroom, living/dining room & foyer, 2022 starting in October, I think? I will have to check back on that with my photos, making one of the spare bedrooms into our upstairs laundry room, & I am LOVING it! the other spare bedroom also had a complete makeover, new stairs coming up from the foyer, and... I think that's it.  Enough to say, "I am so done with renos for now".  The only thing left to do upstairs is the kitchen, and that will be a huge chunk of money, especially for the countertop, the cupboards I would just reface & paint, easy peasy, and the flooring was already done last year.  Another post for sure.

I have to say our downstairs dog room, and the pup's whelping pen is cleaner then our upstairs living quarters.  Between changing their bedding, feeding them, washing their bedding, washing dishes, and other puppy cares it's a fulltime job in it's self.  I love them & since a young girl it was one of my dreams to breed dogs, and it is one dream which has been fulfilled.

Today they all had their first mani/pedi, which I am certain Mama Tesla will be appreciative those sharp cutting little talons have been clipped back.  All 10 of them were so very good without any squiggling at all, much to my relief.

Once the pups had arrived I thought what in the heck was I thinking when I sold our old washer/dryer set ! all the puppy bedding to be handwashed in the laundry tub & hung to dry in the basement by the wood stove, as it definitely wasn't going in our new washer/dryer.  Last week I thought to myself, I wish I could get a good used washer for $50. which is near impossible for what I had seen when I put ours up for sale.  For whatever moved me, in the wee hours of this past Sunday morning, I checked on Facebook's Marketplace... a front load washer popped right up for $50 !  I couldn't believe it, so I messaged the person right then & there hoping it hadn't been sold already.  At a descent hour in the morning the lady responded to me saying it was available !!!  Happy happy me ... Rob went to Owen Sound Monday afternoon, and had it hooked up as soon as he had gotten home with it.  I couldn't believe my luck, & I can also use if for throw rugs as well.

My 2009 Steal of a Deal, as the lady advertised, "works like a charm". 

The only issue was the mold around the inside gasket.  The lady had told Rob it was stained, however in reality the door hadn't been left open each time after use for it to dry out.  I put it through a cycle with Affresh washing machine cleaner, and tomorrow I will make a concoction with baking soda & vinegar.  More cleaning ideas, if I have no success, here: Cleaning Tips for a Front Load Washer Gasket.

Every day is a busy day so...

This is all she wrote this day...."Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

A Day Late & A Dollar Short

 A day late & a dollar short .... I wanted to do a blog post yesterday but I just didn't have the energy.

Let's get right into those $$$$'s will we?

Who's in for a 52 Week Money Challenge with the outcome of $1,378 savings at the end of this Year?  I & some others have successfully done this in past years, however quite a few more haven't.  Some have even started it going backwards, getting the "big" monies out of the way right at the get go.  $1,378.00? just think about it, you, hopefully, might be a day late, but not a dollar short at the end of 2023.

If you are up for the challenge leave a "yea" or "nay" in the comments.

We had two appointments to view our "Chunky Monkey" puppies yesterday.  One was 9 am, & the other 1 pm, so this pretty much cut into the day, with trying to get everything else in-between throughout the day.  You know like making & feeding mash to 10 puppies, washing puppy bedding, taking our adults in & out all day, cleaning kennel runs.... never mind catching up on our own laundry, dishes, bed making, sweeping up dog hair, you know that "other stuff" needed doing.

The puppy appointments were so worth it !  I strive to find the very very best homes for our Checkerboard Aussie pups, being very fortunate to do so all these years, but for a handful of incidents, sometimes unavoidable with some people being able to answer my battery of questions, & slipping under the wire to not being good keepers of animals.  I have though been fortunate to get 3 pups returned, who I did find perfect homes for, and who do keep in touch with me on a regular basis.

Back to the puppy appointments... 2 of our sweet Checkerboard Pups have found their PERFECT forever homes, & that makes me soooo happy.  3 of the pups now have homes, 1 pending a potential forever home, and 2 appointments forthcoming.

Meet "Charlie's" New Forever Home Master & Mistress, Don & June.

Don & June recently lost their beloved Aussie of 15 years, Benji, & boy oh boy I certainly know how difficult that is as our Bandit is in my heart almost daily.  They have always have had a dog, both were "farm kids", as June put it, growing up in Scotland, so just couldn't have their nest void of a 4 legged best friend who loves attention almost 24 hours a day but for some time out spent sleeping.

Meet this sweet little Red Tri Girlie's, her name is still out for debate, Forever Family

Oopsie I have been gone for hours, and I don't think anyone noticed.  I started at about 6 am, got all above this done then got called away, & never stopped until now.  That's ok another puppers found her new Forever home this morning !  And now this was hours ago as I am so very busy, with another puppy appointment cropping up then lots and lots of messages.  Hours later, again, it is now 7:20 pm !

Ok I think I will just have to give it another old 1-2-3 attempt tomorrow, as right now I am overtired and overworked.  

Well it's all good, as I would much rather be busy, maybe not this busy, then bored, wouldn't you?

This is all she wrote.... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Happy New Year 2023

 

This is all she wrote..... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard" 

Cuteness Overload

Who are our pack? They are the "Checkerboard Aussies, Australian Shepherd Dogs.

Our sweet Aussie Tesla, & her mate, Buddy, had a beautiful litter of 10 pups, yes you read that right there are 10, born on December 2nd. 2022. Four boys & six girlies.

They are now 4 weeks old, the perfect time to have a Photo Shoot.  Are you ready for a "cuteness overload" post of "glamour shots"... let's hear the ohhs & aws ! 

Sweetie Pie, Red Tri.

Sleepy one,  Red Merle.

Bum's Up! Red Merle Female

Saucy Red Tri

Serious, Red Tri

A Bit Shy, Red Merle

Oh that is a "Love Me" look, Black Tri

Come & get me, Black Tri

Oh are we missing a 10th pup? This is the only Blue Merle, & a Male, who had his Forever Home when he was barely a week old.  The gal who is going to be loving this boy, has TJ, who is a Red Tri Merle male from our 2021 Litter.  Isn't he sweet ?

It's been a pretty busy couple of "puppy" days.  

Photo shoots don't happen in minutes.  You have to stage the set, bring up the pups from, in our case the basement is where we have our whelping pens, then the biggest part of it all is the taking of the photos after trying to get 4 week old puppies to cooperate.  Trust me sometimes there are many many photos taken until you get a good one or two of each pup.  This session I believe Shea-Lyn had said she had taken 200 photos ! then to go through each of them choosing the best ones, editing them, & identifying each of them as you go along.

Today I spent answering questions from people inquiring about the pups, and setting up appointments for them to come for a visitation to chose one, after myself scrutinizing them as I only let our pups go to the best possible homes ever ! 

Nothing else got done in the house today but for washing puppy toys, used from last year, cleaning the basement of cobwebs, and dust... you would not believe the dust !  Dogs bring in lots of dirt and dust with them, with there being no way of me being on top of it all on a daily basis, however I do try to keep everything swept every week. Feeding dishes get washed every 2nd day, pens vacuumed out as well once a week, or two.  Always lots to do when you have doggos to look after & spend time.  My dogs never go outside on their own, I always go out with them, spending time with each of them on an individual basis.  Somedays I go out with 2 at a time then they have themselves a big romp together.

I am pooped & will shortly hitting the sack, as you know morning comes early when you are a busy person.  Personally I would rather be busy then bored to tears, wouldn't you?

Hope you enjoyed the "cuteness overload" post.

This is all she wrote this day.... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Winter Planters

 "Winter Planters"?  I had never made one in my Life. This was the Year I decided I would change that, as I had purchased decor for one quite, & I mean quite, a few years ago.

Once I made one, you guessed it, I had to make two.  One for each the back & front doors.

I had posted these to my Facebook page.  A friend messaged me & asked if I would make her one.  I got going on getting some decor together, also buying more "just in case".  This is the one I made & dropped off for her. She was surprised when she got home from work, which made me happy.  I love surprising people, don't you?

Another sweet friend of mine stated she absolutely "loved" the ones I had made for myself, so of course I asked her if she would like one also. Of course her answer was "yes".  She was so so happy with it she has put an order in for me to make her one next Year !

A lovely friend I have, & I might add I am very fortunate for having such amazing friends in my Life, has always been so kind & giving to me over the Years.  I wanted to make her a planter for her house. I hadn't any of my large planters handy to get to easily, so I improvised & used one of our Aussie's Summer galvanized water bucket.  It did the job perfectly !  I was happy I could make her happy, as her giving to me has always made me happy.  It wasn't as elaborate as the others, however she "loved" it so what more could I ask for?

I had certainly been on a roll last week making all of these within 3 days, in-between my very, very large "to do" list (I will have to post a couple of these lists as some days as they can get to be a little lengthy, but I keep at it, stroking off what I get done & carrying over to the next day while adding more (this is coming from a person who would have liked things done "yesterday".  I am thinking this must be the part me having a  Perfectionist Disorder?, the part which would be "having unrealistic standards").  

**Note: Click on the blue highlight & it will take you to the link I included on the Traits of a Perfectionist.

I really did enjoy making these planters, & thought I might like to do more next Winter to sell.  On that note, this experience gave me some insight in how that would work out, not counting my time:

1) The decor I had purchased was Retail cost; the pine boughs are on our property, with time spent cutting them (I might add the one evening we were in the throes of a Blizzard, hahaha which certainly didn't stop me from getting r' done);

2) I used my own planters, which I have asked each of the ladies if they would kindly return to me in the Spring as they are my Summer flower planters, and of course the one was the Summer water pail for the Aussies (hey, I had to be resourceful in the moment & think outside of the box);

3) As already mentioned, my time along with dropping off each planter (for friends that is not in the equation, however to sell them that would totally be another matter which is my point);

Sooooo... in order for me to do this next Year to sell & cover every aspect from start to finish, I could not do any of the above.  Should I have made these planters to sell to people in general, it would have cost me money.  For example, one of these planters, if I would have included the container, would have cost me $50 to make, without including my time sourcing the materials & making it.  What I would have to do is source decor & planters at a very low cost, or free, from the Marketplace on Facebook, or at Thrift Stores & Yard Sales. Should I want to use Birch branches in any of them I would have to find someone who cuts wood & see if I could collect the small branches that they would not use & discard, if anyone would even do that I have no idea, or get my very equally busy husband take me back into our Back 40, which in reality is 30 acres, to find the birch from our own bush. 

 Again, I would have to put more thought into this as there is quite a bit of time & energy involved in all of this as well, as I have already outlined above.  Now again, on that note, I did enjoy doing them, so if I don't try it once for next Year I will never know, right?  I will give it a shot, starting a file with the resources I find, time spent, & cost attached to purchased items.  The clincher might be having the time to do them, but then again who knows what tomorrow is going to bring so I should remain optimistic it will all come together timewise for me next Year.  When I did the 5 of them last week I was still decluttering and working around two rooms being renovated, which still aren't finished (oh my goodness that might take 2 or 3 blog posts to cover those projects!), and our Tesla having a litter of 10 pups.  A little bit off subject now, but we had a "photo shoot" with each of the pups today so when I get the photos back I will be quite excited when I post all of them.  Back to my point, I pulled it off then with all that & more going on with me, so what could possibly be any busier next Year? oh boy I am brave in stating that am I not?

I must admit I am quite exhausted after putting all this out there, no wonder I was exhausted when it was all happening in "live time" !

Time will tell... if it is meant to be it will be, if not then nothing gained nothing lost other then having a few more pots & Christmas balls hanging around.

Stay tuned for puppy photos, coming soon on a blog post in the very near future... !

This is all she wrote this day..... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

PS:  I would like to thank all of my blogger friends for welcoming me back to my Blog, and all the friends, who don't blog, for your encouragement & support in me coming back to my Blog.  All the kind words & encouragement is some of the best medicine I could ever ask for to make me feel wonderful, which is has done.  Honestly, I didn't "feel" like doing a post today, almost not doing it, but I made it happen & quite proud of myself for doing so.  Again, thank you all very much for being here for me.

Where I Am At In My Life Today

This post came up in my memories this morning:

I am sitting here thinking about how a psychiatrist could possibly diagnosis someone in 1 hour flat with a Mental Illness Disorder? I had not 1, but 3, diagnosis me with Bipolar 2 within less then 2 years. 2 in Owen Sound & 1 in Homewood Guelph. It's no wonder I wasn't responding to the, I've lost count on how many, prescribed medications for Bipolar. I had done so much reading about Bipolar, with at times thinking yes, and other times thinking no, as we do know ourselves (most of the time I hope I do). Just over a year ago my doctor referred me back to another psychiatrist for my Binge Eating Disorder. After about 5 months time I told my personal doctor that she (the psychiatrist I was seeing) just wasn't getting what I was trying to tell her. He replying, "she is maybe trying another approach". Well it wasn't sitting with me, as usual, I wasn't feeling I was being heard. The morning of my next appointment with my doctor I wrote down all of my actions within 2 hours & gave it to him. He sat there & couldn't believe all I did, regardless of all the circles it took me to get it done, stating no wonder I am exhausted all the time. He advised I take it to my upcoming psychiatrist appointment. At that appointment I asked her if she would mind reading the same list I had given my doctor. She did, then handed it back to me and asked if I would read it to her. She also couldn't believe what I had done on that list, and how many circles I did back & forth before finally getting any one totally completed. It was then & there she concurred with my doctor I had ADHD, not Bipolar 2, as well as the, Binge Eating Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder & PTSD. It took how many Years before professionals finally heard through what I was saying, and ALL of what I had been saying.

The medication I had been prescribed for the Binge Eating Disorder, just happened to also be for ADHD. Has it worked 100%? no, however what it has done is taken a wee bit of the edge off, as at times I am able focus on completing one task at a time taking the edge off being overwhelmed 30% of the time. When I find I am upset with something, or myself, it seems to trigger the feeling of being overwhelmed & sets my brain back into overdrive.

Have the medications, as some people think, "cured" my Mental Illness Disorders? the answer is "no". I still struggle on a daily basis, needing constant support some days. I have trust issues, so now I am very selective of who I chose to confide in.  There were times I hadn't felt I was believed when I was in distress, or my confidences were kept by those people I no longer trust myself to. Realizing I couldn't get support from some of these people was very upsetting as if they didn't want to support me they should have told me so then leading me on, sometimes I think so they could be in the "know". The tools I have learned, such as self talk, telling myself how another person is I have no control over, learning to accept somethings in "life just happens", should something, which I consider, bad happens, and other learned tools, can go "right out the window" when the PTSD is triggered, & from the way I think from having BPD influenced by the "learned" behaviour from a very young age, & blaming myself for what other's have created for themselves.

It's really really hard living life like this, especially when you get so caught up in the illnesses, not to feel joy, not to feel loved when you are told you are loved, not to feel deserving when something good happens, not to have any self confidence (& when you do to have it shot down by something or someone), feeling you are not heard, constant worry about being judged when you want to tackle something outside the safety of your home. So many fears... when I get triggered the PTSD kicks in with nightmares, self blame, self hatred, rumination... it takes me so long to process when something triggers me, and I hurt when someone doesn't understand this, as I work so hard on myself to overcome how past traumas have scarred me.

In one of my most recent appointments with my doctor, he told me no medication or support groups (such as DBT, CBT) will change me. This is the way I am, & other people who are "normal" can't, or don't want to, understand me, (& you do realize "normal" is only a setting on a washing machine?). He also told me "to remember I am a good person with a bad disease. It is not my fault that I have issues with mental health. There is a strong genetic basis for my problems and the traumas I went through in my Life, as well as the issues I have been & still dealing with presently.

He is concerned I also have OCPD, however on doing some in-depth reading I would consider myself rather an OCD/Perfectionist (also caused by early life trauma(s)).

Presently I am not in a good place, however I still reach out for support, rather then isolating as I found myself doing this past Summer engrossing myself in gardening, then onto renos, so I wouldn't have to ruminate too much over what was, and still, bothering me. I feel if I isolate I can't be hurt if I am not in contact with people or situations that make me feel uncomfortable.

I could go on & on with how I feel, or how I view things, but that will happen another time when those thoughts & feelings come forth, but for now..... "Just Try Thinking a Day in My Head".

This is me, not wanting sympathy, just wanting to be heard, with hope of giving other people with Mental Illness Disorders also a Voice. I also put myself out there with more hopes people don't give up, as I know what giving up is like, just recently on Christmas Day, as life is what I would rather have & to keep striving for the feelings of joy it provides as I am worth it.

There is only now very very few people I share my darkest fears with, those things that trigger & set me off, & the few joys I allow myself to have, as they do not judge me, they accept me, support me & most of all love me for who I am. They also know they have the same back from me.

Mental Illness is a Master of Disguise.

#MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealthMatters 

Disclaimer: These are solely my opinions & feelings from my own experiences, not those of any other, nor a medical professional.  Should anyone seek help please please go to a Medical Emergency Facility.  You are Important & you deserve Love & Joy in your Life, as do I.

I have wanted to begin blogging for sometime now, years actually, however I needed to "feel" to do so, as I have with every other past post I have done throughout the Years.  I have missed blogging as it was one thing that I considered my own, and I always felt "safe" here in my space.  I've been posting all my garden projects from this past Summer on Facebook, with thinking, "this would be such an amazing blog post" to look back on, however I was in a different "head" space then.  I feel I am now ready to continue with my life by blogging it, as when I looked back on some of my past blogs posts I thought to myself, "wow, I really liked what I wrote about".  I have 3 drafts when I tried to get back into my blog, March 8th 2020 - Mental Illness(s) Suck;  Nov 9th, 2021 - Reading Back on My Posts, which are still drafts, probably not ever to be posted.... I will have to put more thought into this.

This is all she wrote this day.... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".

Going Forward Step by Step With Hope

Grandma once gave me a tip:

During difficult times, you move forward in small steps.

Do what you have to do, but little by bit.

Don't think about the future, not even what might happen tomorrow.

 Wash the dishes.

Take off the dust.

Write a letter.

Make some soup.

Do you see?

You are moving forward step by step.

Take a step and stop.

Get some rest.

Compliment yourself.

Take another step.

Then another one.

You won't notice, but your steps will grow bigger and bigger.

And time will come when you can think about the future without crying.

(Elena Mikhalkova, "The Room of Ancient Keys")

The Years which have gone by have been a struggle for me mentally, however each day, each struggle, I have been finding myself, in the past few months, at a well enough place most days where I am being more mindful of coping strategies to overcome the struggles I have faced in the past, or still face within my mind in my present.

It has been a long journey, but with the support and unconditional love of my husband, family and friends, as well as my Doctor, Mental Health Programs, Counseling & my Community Support Worker, I have been moving forward with small steps, even though I still think about the future and cry, I am not feeling as lonely as I have in the past years upon years.

Reach out for hope, for without hope there is not.  Move forward each day, Step by Step with Hope... I love the message in this "tip"... it in itself lends to giving one hope.

This is all she wrote, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

Gratitude

There is no words to really explain the gratitude I feel towards the Friends who are always there to support me and hold me up in my lowest times of need, and even those times I am doing well in my Recovery.  I am overwhelmed with their kindness and selflessness to the point of tears many times over.

People who give expecting nothing in return, people who empathize to the point of tears themselves, people who take moments out of their Lives to support another's Life, people who give of themselves, but never expect back, people who pray for others they have never met, people who are pillars of kindness, non-judging, full of love for others when they give of themselves, people who know how to love unconditionally.

To all these people in my Life I am from the bottom of my Soul sincerely grateful for each person who has and continuously supports me in my Journey.  Should anyone of you need the same for yourselves, please never hesitate to ask as if I am capable in the moment of your need I will be there for each one of you as well.  Thank you.

The following are only two of the messages I had been sent from friends who have always shown me respect and unconditional support.  I hope by sharing their messages to me will also "lift someone else up who might be in need at a time in their lives".

The video I have saved to my favourites on my Laptop as I will be listening to it often I am certain, and the affirmation is saved to my Desktop.  Thank you from my healing heart, Jeanette & Randy.

Each and every message in the comments on my Facebook feed, each and every comment posted to my Blog posts, each and every gesture of support and kindness, in person or not, has lifted me up, if not in my darkest moments, then in the moments afterwards when I need validation of my choices and actions in recovery.

Should there be anymore ways to say, "Thank You", I would surely shout them out to each and everyone of you who I am grateful to.

Before I leave there is a huge need in my Community & surrounding areas of Wiarton that a friend brought to my attention last evening.  If you could contribute, just even with a couple of food items, please drop off or contact the Wiarton Salvation Army, as they contribute so very much in so many ways to the Communities.  You will learn why their need is so great at this time by, please, reading the following article:

Owen Sound Hub "Wiarton Salvation Army" Article

This is all she wrote this day..... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".

Binge Eating, Up Close & Personal

I have decided I am going to continue on with this Blog.

My decision to keep blogging and be real about myself.  Why would I want to create another blog to hide myself away when I have done that most of my life? I have asked myself.  I have hidden  my Mental Illnesses, which until only a short couple of years ago I had then only a name attached to each, as I had not known I had been suffering with these disorders all my life, but for the depression and anxiety.  My cries for help had been not recognized, ignored, or hushed up, causing myself to hide in shame and anguish when making wrong choices when I had been Manic, and not understanding why I was how I was, hating myself when I self medicated with alcohol, being a learned behaviour from my childhood, as that is how one dealt with their emotions, binge eating in secret to sooth myself then hating myself even more, being unable to Love myself and still trying to figure out how to quit hating myself.... guilt ridden for things out of my control, shame, hatred, self loathing, and I am certain if I sat down instead of these coming off the top of my head I could come up with many more ways how I have felt over the years, and in the now.

Sigh.... I have been a Binge Eater since a Child, as long as I can remember.  Why did I become a Binge Eater? well because they say Childhood Trauma can cause Binge Eating, as it is comforting to eat food.  And I suppose when one needs lots of comforting they consume lots of food, as I did and have resorted back to the last Year, and many times throughout my Lifetime.

Fact:  A binge eater does not have to be overweight or obese.

A few Years ago, before I had been properly diagnosed with my Mental Illnesses, Bipolar 2, Social Anxiety, PTDS, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, OCD, Binge Eating Disorder (just recently when I decided to also come "out of the closet" with it as well).... I was being, once again, treated for Depression.  For well over a Year I was prescribed numerous anti-depressants with none even denting the severe depression I was in... what they did do was increase my hunger causing me to binge eat like I had never have before in my life, like a pig up to a trough literally, it was disgusting to myself but I  had no control over the hunger was that heightened.  After two years, and how many different anti-depressants, my Doctor asked me about my Moods, wherein I described my ups and downs, my 2 hours sleep a night, occasionally crashing into a 12 hour catch-up sleep a handful of times a Year, my racing thoughts, everything I was before I crashed into such a terrible dark depression that had me feeling suicidal more days then not.  He sat, looked at me, and said, "I am so sorry I never asked you about your moods before".  Why would he say that? because I had a Mood Disorder, and I had crashed into a Bipolar Depression two years prior, not just a "Depression".  For those who do not know the difference please *click* this highlighted link "Bipolar vs Clinical Depression", which is the article I have found giving the best explanation of myself.

When I was Manic binge eating didn't effect my weight as I was on such a high, going on 2 hours of sleep quite often, so I kept it off more easily, and if I didn't I would go crazy with exercise to keep it off as I had the energy to do so.  When I literally "crashed" into a deep Bipolar Depression & was misdiagnosed the weight went up and up and up until I was 212 lbs !  I had never been over 155 lbs in my Life, and that is what I weight when in the 9th month of pregnancy with my 2nd child.  All the medication did was cause the hunger to increase, turned me into a Zombie, increased Suicidal idealizations, and more loathing and self hatred of myself.

Once properly diagnosed, along with my Doctor's support, I took control back of my eating, going down to 160 lbs, in 2 years, 10 lbs away .my Goal Weight, which I had been before the taking the incorrect medications.

Then.... something "snapped", something had gone "awry", something inside wasn't "right", as a Year ago in September the binge eating returned making a huge presence in my Life, once again.  It was slow, it snuck in, even though I was aware... the more I tried ways to "control" it the worse it got, and gets, "out of control".... do you know Binge Eaters more then not, hide the amounts of food they eat, that foods can mindlessly be stuffed into their mouths handful after handful, that even being full doesn't stop the feeling of hunger, even at times to the point of feeling sick but continuing with the binging?  Foods are hidden and eaten in secret, hate and loathing of ones self are heightened, worthlessness and not wanting to be here are a constant mind set, and there is more, again if I sat down to list them all rather then from the top of my head.... how do I know all of this? because this is ME, this is ME NOW, and I HATE MYSELF but I can't control myself which makes me HATE MYSELF even MORE.

Before I go any further, please do NOT feel sorry for me, do NOT feel you can help, all I ask for is empathy, awareness, and if possible, understanding.  AWARENESS is why I am sharing, as more people need to be AWARE, and more people need EMPATHY, NON-JUDGEMENT, as it is a real illness, just as Cancer, MS, Diabetes, or any other illness is.

I have spoken to my Doctor about my increased Binge Eating over the past Year, however he feels if I get the treatment for my other mental illnesses, as in repeating DBT, and working on my Recovery daily, that the Binge Eating will eventually subside the more stable my Mental Illness(es) recovery becomes.  Guess what? that hasn't been happening as it has gotten worse and completely "out of control"...

A small bit of shared reality of where I am in my Binge Eating right now in example of a recent day....a double serving of Steel Oats with a banana/hemp hearts, 1/4 of a Costco Kirkland brand of Dutch Apple Pie (these pies are humongous), 2 Peanut butter sandwiches (on Healthy bread mind you), an apple, another piece of Kirkland Dutch Apple Pie, 3 small bags of Veggie Chips, and a 1/2 litre of Chocolate Milk, which I am terrified to estimate how many calories all that added up to.  This for me the past month would be a moderate Binge.

I have gained 5 lbs in less then a week, 3 lbs had showed up last week in one overnight weigh in !!!  I have gained 30 lbs, and rising since last August.  A few months ago I attempted purging, but stopped myself, and had the same thought last night as I had ate until I felt sick, but still continued to binge.  On the weekend I also began laxative abuse, which I stopped doing after 2 days.  I now recognize these two attempts at controlling my out of control weight gain are unhealthy, and there is no other way to put it.

Way back when I had totally uncontrolled episodes of Binge Eating, two magnify themselves in my  mind, one when I was in my late twenties, and one in my early thirties....

The first one I recall picking up a dozen Tim Horton Donuts and eating the whole lot in front of my Mother, who couldn't believe what I had done.  I would find myself getting up at 3 am and eating a whole bag of Oreo cookies.  I was so out of control, I begin purging by making myself throw up, and then resorting to the abuse of laxatives.  I was so unhappy I also then began to self medicate with alcohol as I could drink and not be hungry, also smoking cigarettes, every time I felt hungry I had a cigarette instead.  The excessive weight I had gained at that time came off by means of what I was doing to myself.

The second time when I found myself out of control I became anorexia going down to 103 lbs at my lowest, for someone 5' 6" at that time, that was very thin.  I drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and remember eating maybe a piece a crusty bread a day, and getting barely any sleep a day.

Both times there had been a Crisis in my Life, both times I was Manic (unbeknown to me until 5 years ago), both times I attempted suicide, both times my Brother came to my rescue, the 2nd time they could have lost me if I hadn't been brought in by a mere second I was told.  Oh my God, I could go into more detail about how amazing and strong my brother is, and what lead me up to these suicide attempts, but this is about Binge Eating at the moment.  Also back then they did NOT evaluate you for any possible Mental Illnesses after a Suicide Attempt(s), or if they did they didn't to me.

Binge Eating has always affected me when there has been crisis or unhappiness in my Life to the point where control wasn't even recognized by myself, wherein I was hopeless and in self-destruct mode.

Where am I today? in this moment?  Self hatred and self loathing is foremost, as I have never felt self love, or even remember when I have, my Doctor constantly tries supporting me in this area, even to the point of asking me to "Fake" that I love myself.  I can be compassionate, empathic, and loving to another who might be in the same situation as myself, however I am unable to give myself the same.

I have a Doctor's appointment this Friday, I have done some research, and reached out in a Facebook Binge Eating Support Group I have created, that there is a drug which has proven to help with the cravings of a Binge Eater, which I will be discussing with him.  In this moment I don't know what else to do as I have pretty much done everything else I can think of, other then continue to read a book on Binge Eating I had been gifted by my After Care Worker, when she retired, "Overcoming Binge Eating, by Dr. Christopher Fairburn".  I am going to try to keep reaching out to my husband, Rob, who has been beyond kind and understanding, I am so blessed we are in each others lives.

My personal take on my Binge Eating, Up Close & Personal? it is an extension of my Mental Illnesses.  It has at times filled a void and comforted me, however it has also created more self hatred and loathing of myself.  It is very powerful, and extremely debilitating, as most Mental Illnesses and/or Disorders are.  It is not something that you can wake up one morning and say, "I am not going to binge on food today", as I do that every day to no avail, and no Disorder is ever that easy.  I am going to continue to struggle with this and pray I can find a solution.  I also know this continuing episode, which began over a Year ago, and the extent of the Binge Eating has been triggered by something that has & is still making me very unhappy, as that is what happened those two times in previously in my earlier Life.  I have been struggling within to figure out what might be the "root" of the trigger last Year.  One possibility has come to mind, but I have to dig deeper yet.

Homewood Hospital in Guelph Ontario, which is a private hospitable, does have an Eating Disorder Program, however this time in my Life it is not feasible for me to look into the possibility of enrolling in such a program.

It is difficult some days to be honest, but to begin any recovery one has to start with being honest with themselves.  I will be doing a blog post on the outcome of my appointment with my Doctor this upcoming Friday, in the meantime....

This is all she wrote this day.....Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Disclaimer:  All is based on my own experiences, should you have similar issues with any Disorder please contact a Medical Doctor.

Undecided But What I Do Know

I am undecided as to whether or not to create a new blog for my Mental Illness struggles and dark days, as I feel maybe I should hide the reality and truth of some of my days, instead of putting a heavy mask on again and blog all "Sunshine & Lollipops" in my long time blog here.  Most people don't understand how someone can appear happy but be depressed, or if they sincerely can have a happy day or more, then other days be down and depressesd.

I have also had a Lifetime of not being confident in making decisions, aftermath of the way I was brought up I am now certain since I have made myself more knowledgeable about my illnesses the past 5 years or so, and still doing so daily.

Why I did stop blogging for a couple of years when I had crashed into a Bipolar Depression was my daily blog posts would have been very dark more then likely consisting of one sentence posts saying, "today I am very depressed, sad, with no energy", or some days worse then that.

Here I sit this morning being awake most of the night, experiencing "panic attacks", being "indecisive", "depressed" and in tears..... what do I do? begin a new blog with a new name where nobody could find me and read about the darkness which is my reality some days?  I just don't know...

What I do know my husband, Rob, came home last night and was ever so kind trying to console me about me "hating myself", what I do know is I try very hard to push "negative" thoughts away and replace them with "positive", what I do know I do so much "self talk", what I do know is I "work very hard daily on my mental illnesses", what I do know it exhausts me "wearing a Mask and pretending to feel what I am not feeling", what I do know is "I hate living the way I am at times", what I do know "I am better then I was a year ago", what I do know is "many people support me", what I do know is "I am loved", what I do know is, "I am very empathetic and kind to others", what I do know is, "I am a good person", what I do know is "I am a good daughter, sibling and friend", what I do know is "I am a very sensitive & passionate person", what I do know is "I hate confrontations", what I do know is "I love my pets", what I do know is "I am scared of the unknown", what I do know is ….. much more....

…..but what I don't know is why I want to self destruct, as I have many times throughout my life, and why I am feeling so depressed, horrible, scared and sad.

People, I know, sometimes see me doing things, laughing, but they have no idea where I go in my head when I am alone, even times when I am in the company of others.  People with mental illnesses do get so tired of being who they are expected to be, of wearing a heavy mask to cover up their real feelings, being afraid of judgement should they really show themselves....I am so tired today.

So the question still remains, "do I create a new blog" to hide behind along with my Mental Illnesses?

This is all she wrote......Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard

She Arrived On A Jet Plane

Many many many years ago when I first began "blogging" some bloggers followed each others blogs... I am pretty certain when I was participating in the "See You in the Gumbo" where we shared our Foodie Blogs, I began following Lynn's Blog "Turnips 2 Tangerines".

From there we commented on each others blogs, and oh man I never knew anyone personally, as personal as it was through our blogs, who has made so many different food recipes in my Life.  Then over the several Years we began emailing, writing letters/cards, a couple of phone calls, Facebook friends, and then all hell broke loose when we started texting each other !!!!  When I was at my lowest in a Bipolar Depression for 2 years there was a period of time Lynn mailed me a card weekly, even though I didn't have any joy those days it had meant the World to me.  That is what true friends are made of.

The last couple of years I have invited Lynn & her hubby, Jim, up from Wisconsin to pay us a visit.  I would have loved for Rob & I to have gone there but with the Exchange being 23 cents to the Dollar, it made way more sense for them to come here.  

Lynn surprised me this past Spring by announcing she was booking Air Fare to come visit us in October.  Keep in mind we have never met in person before, wherein her husband questioned her visiting us, since you know we could be "axe murderers".  Regardless Lynn pulled up her "Big Girl Brave Pants", and arrived on a Jet Plane in Canada at the Toronto Pearson Airport.

When we picked Lynn up at the Airport neither us skipped a beat, it was like we had known each other all our lives.  Oh yes I have forgotten to mention how much we are alike in all our likes and dislikes in Life, also having similar Life experiences, and only 1 year apart in age !!!  Holy moly Batman CRAZINESS …..

We were all starving as it was around 1 pm, we hadn't ate yet that day, and Lynn only some toast at 5:30 am before heading to the Milwaukee airport.  We took Lynn to have the "Pebbles Restaurant" experience in Varney on our way home.  Never been to Pebbles? I think it is Rob's favourite since it is owned by Mennonites, with Rob being brought up & adopted by Mennonites, he "schmucks" the food there.  Of course now Lynn also has Pebbles on her "favourite" list I am certain.  Check it out if have never been there at the following link:  Pebbles Family Restaurant

Needless to say once we got home we were not only full, we were all exhausted.  Bedtime couldn't have came fast enough for the three of us.

Sunday came and we were off to the races, as Lynn was heading back home Thursday only giving us 4 days to pack in a lot of experiences.

Day 1:  To my Hometown of Southampton ON where Lynn got to see the beautiful beach, Denny's Dam, and the old Cemetery, which I love imaging the pioneers of the area back in the 1700's & 1800's.

Day 3 & 4:  Lunch at Green Door Cafe on the Tuesday, after Lynn had a Manicure & I a hair cut, as since Lynn seen me blog many times about lunch there it was on her "list" to do.  The Wednesday we lunched at Lloyd's Smoke Shop & Pool Hall where you can get the best Homemade Ice Cream on the Bruce Peninsula (this is why all my Grandchildren love me as when they visit they know I will be taking them one of the days to have ice cream for Lunch).

Day 2:  We went over for a trip to Owen Sound where we stopped to take in the beautiful Jones Falls.  A lovely place to visit going through Owen Sound by Springmount.  This also was the day Lynn got to try Sweet Pickled Cottage Roll for the first time EVER !  she loved it, and sadly she had never had it before cause they just don't have it in Wisconsin, eh Lynn? 

Day 4:  I think it was Day 4, but it seems like so long ago now it could have been Day 1 ?  regardless we were at the Bruce Caves just outside of Wiarton thru Oxeden.  Should you have never been here it really is a lovely walk in to see the Caves.

Day 4 also was a bittersweet day as it had been Lynn's last full day here "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard" in Canada.  I was very amused, to say the least, of Lynn trying to pack her "very large" suitcase as it certainly was a lot heavier leaving Canada then when it arrived.

The Last Day, Rob headed down the Hwy to deliver Lynn to the Airport to return home.  I never included numbering the days picking Lynn up, or dropping her off, as they weren't days spent taking in the "experience" of Bruce County Hospitality.

NOTE TO JIM (Lynn's Hubby):  You never had to worry about Lynn since Rob & I retired from being "Axe Murderers" as …...

…. so Jim it is quite safe for you to come visit next time (as long as you don't think we might come out of retirement and find a few more hiding places?)

Lynn's visit from her 5th arrival until the 10th departure was an amazing time.  It was like we had been friends all of our lives.  Lynn said, "everyone has a twin in this World, and we are so much alike we could be that".  True dat, Lynn !

That is all she wrote this day …… "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".