Where I Am At In My Life Today

This post came up in my memories this morning:

I am sitting here thinking about how a psychiatrist could possibly diagnosis someone in 1 hour flat with a Mental Illness Disorder? I had not 1, but 3, diagnosis me with Bipolar 2 within less then 2 years. 2 in Owen Sound & 1 in Homewood Guelph. It's no wonder I wasn't responding to the, I've lost count on how many, prescribed medications for Bipolar. I had done so much reading about Bipolar, with at times thinking yes, and other times thinking no, as we do know ourselves (most of the time I hope I do). Just over a year ago my doctor referred me back to another psychiatrist for my Binge Eating Disorder. After about 5 months time I told my personal doctor that she (the psychiatrist I was seeing) just wasn't getting what I was trying to tell her. He replying, "she is maybe trying another approach". Well it wasn't sitting with me, as usual, I wasn't feeling I was being heard. The morning of my next appointment with my doctor I wrote down all of my actions within 2 hours & gave it to him. He sat there & couldn't believe all I did, regardless of all the circles it took me to get it done, stating no wonder I am exhausted all the time. He advised I take it to my upcoming psychiatrist appointment. At that appointment I asked her if she would mind reading the same list I had given my doctor. She did, then handed it back to me and asked if I would read it to her. She also couldn't believe what I had done on that list, and how many circles I did back & forth before finally getting any one totally completed. It was then & there she concurred with my doctor I had ADHD, not Bipolar 2, as well as the, Binge Eating Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder & PTSD. It took how many Years before professionals finally heard through what I was saying, and ALL of what I had been saying.

The medication I had been prescribed for the Binge Eating Disorder, just happened to also be for ADHD. Has it worked 100%? no, however what it has done is taken a wee bit of the edge off, as at times I am able focus on completing one task at a time taking the edge off being overwhelmed 30% of the time. When I find I am upset with something, or myself, it seems to trigger the feeling of being overwhelmed & sets my brain back into overdrive.

Have the medications, as some people think, "cured" my Mental Illness Disorders? the answer is "no". I still struggle on a daily basis, needing constant support some days. I have trust issues, so now I am very selective of who I chose to confide in.  There were times I hadn't felt I was believed when I was in distress, or my confidences were kept by those people I no longer trust myself to. Realizing I couldn't get support from some of these people was very upsetting as if they didn't want to support me they should have told me so then leading me on, sometimes I think so they could be in the "know". The tools I have learned, such as self talk, telling myself how another person is I have no control over, learning to accept somethings in "life just happens", should something, which I consider, bad happens, and other learned tools, can go "right out the window" when the PTSD is triggered, & from the way I think from having BPD influenced by the "learned" behaviour from a very young age, & blaming myself for what other's have created for themselves.

It's really really hard living life like this, especially when you get so caught up in the illnesses, not to feel joy, not to feel loved when you are told you are loved, not to feel deserving when something good happens, not to have any self confidence (& when you do to have it shot down by something or someone), feeling you are not heard, constant worry about being judged when you want to tackle something outside the safety of your home. So many fears... when I get triggered the PTSD kicks in with nightmares, self blame, self hatred, rumination... it takes me so long to process when something triggers me, and I hurt when someone doesn't understand this, as I work so hard on myself to overcome how past traumas have scarred me.

In one of my most recent appointments with my doctor, he told me no medication or support groups (such as DBT, CBT) will change me. This is the way I am, & other people who are "normal" can't, or don't want to, understand me, (& you do realize "normal" is only a setting on a washing machine?). He also told me "to remember I am a good person with a bad disease. It is not my fault that I have issues with mental health. There is a strong genetic basis for my problems and the traumas I went through in my Life, as well as the issues I have been & still dealing with presently.

He is concerned I also have OCPD, however on doing some in-depth reading I would consider myself rather an OCD/Perfectionist (also caused by early life trauma(s)).

Presently I am not in a good place, however I still reach out for support, rather then isolating as I found myself doing this past Summer engrossing myself in gardening, then onto renos, so I wouldn't have to ruminate too much over what was, and still, bothering me. I feel if I isolate I can't be hurt if I am not in contact with people or situations that make me feel uncomfortable.

I could go on & on with how I feel, or how I view things, but that will happen another time when those thoughts & feelings come forth, but for now..... "Just Try Thinking a Day in My Head".

This is me, not wanting sympathy, just wanting to be heard, with hope of giving other people with Mental Illness Disorders also a Voice. I also put myself out there with more hopes people don't give up, as I know what giving up is like, just recently on Christmas Day, as life is what I would rather have & to keep striving for the feelings of joy it provides as I am worth it.

There is only now very very few people I share my darkest fears with, those things that trigger & set me off, & the few joys I allow myself to have, as they do not judge me, they accept me, support me & most of all love me for who I am. They also know they have the same back from me.

Mental Illness is a Master of Disguise.

#MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealthMatters 

Disclaimer: These are solely my opinions & feelings from my own experiences, not those of any other, nor a medical professional.  Should anyone seek help please please go to a Medical Emergency Facility.  You are Important & you deserve Love & Joy in your Life, as do I.

I have wanted to begin blogging for sometime now, years actually, however I needed to "feel" to do so, as I have with every other past post I have done throughout the Years.  I have missed blogging as it was one thing that I considered my own, and I always felt "safe" here in my space.  I've been posting all my garden projects from this past Summer on Facebook, with thinking, "this would be such an amazing blog post" to look back on, however I was in a different "head" space then.  I feel I am now ready to continue with my life by blogging it, as when I looked back on some of my past blogs posts I thought to myself, "wow, I really liked what I wrote about".  I have 3 drafts when I tried to get back into my blog, March 8th 2020 - Mental Illness(s) Suck;  Nov 9th, 2021 - Reading Back on My Posts, which are still drafts, probably not ever to be posted.... I will have to put more thought into this.

This is all she wrote this day.... "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".