Sunday 22 November 2015

I'm Fine, Just Tired

Where does one begin? of course at the beginning.  The above? this is me and has been me for many, many years, since I was in my late teens or earlier I suspect if I could remember.  Either tired, or on a "high" with feeling somewhat normal episodes in-between.  It was never addressed then, and probably back then not a common thing even thought of, never mind discussed.

What is it? it is Bipolar 2, and after all these years I finally know what it is, but that fact in itself is not helping me deal with it in my now depressed state any better.

This past September, after the 5th antidepressant this past year prescribed for the Fibromyalgia not working, my Doctor asked me how my moods were.  We concluded I am Bipolar, with him being sorry he had not suspected for so long as we had been trying to deal with managing my pain.

Next step? being put on Lithium which is used to treat Bipolar.  After a month on this medication was there an improvement? no, I was slipping faster and faster into depression, with my Doctor referring me to a Physiatrist, Dr. John Lucas in Owen Sound.  This was a week ago this past Friday.

My meeting with Dr. Lucas was eventful by confirming Dr. Diodati's diagnosis, however as Dr. Lucas explained Lithium would be great to help with the manic part of bipolar, but not with the depression end of it.  A fairly new med was then prescribed, Latuda, which I began taking this past Thursday evening.  Dr. Lucas is a sincerely empathic kind man, and I found the 1 1/2 hours I had spent with him most comfortable, even sharing most some most uncomfortable times in my past with him.  There was no judging or criticism, only caring and compassion.  My tears flowed uncontrollably, however he never made me feel embarrassed once, nor silly while going on in my blubbering garble.

My past in "manic" states? I have lost 2 jobs, acted inappropriately many times making me slide into depressed states cause surely by being upset with my own actions.  A terrible place of not understanding what was going on within my head, sometimes thinking I would never escape its grip.

All the antidepressants I had been on since last year had been making the Bipolar Depression worse, as they were not "Mood" inhibitors (if that even is the proper way to describe it).  Hopefully the Latuda will help stabilize me, as this is the longest I have ever been depressed with no sign of it lifting, and it has been terrifying.

Why terrifying? because I always worry about people judging me, and not understanding.  Why would I feel this way? as my life has slid downhill, and I really mean downhill with my house, once organized, being a shambles with no organization at all.  I am lucky to make the bed and do up a few dishes daily, never mind those other things which keep a home managed and tidy.  Yes it has been a roller coaster ride, and most days not a very fun one.  I have seemingly, once again in my Life, lost control of it.

I am very fortunate to have understanding friends and family. I can not imagine how people manage without, however suspect more end up committing suicide then not.  A question might come to mind, have I attempted suicide? yes, twice, almost being successful both times, but by the Grace of God, and my brother coming to my rescue by getting me to a hospital a hair short of my life, here I am.

Roller Coaster you might wonder? well today my Auntie called me, and I answered hoping I sounded fine.  Not even an hour later I was a puddle of anxiety and tears, calling my sister who was not home, then next my girlfriend, Vicki, who distracted me enough until I came around a bit better.  This state was not caused by my Auntie's phone call, just the way I am any given time throughout a day.

This diagnosis has explained many of my actions, or lack there of, in past Year.  Now? we will wait and see if I don't eat myself into oblivion beforehand, or worry myself beyond repair.  No it is not fun, and many days I am grateful, not for the death of Robin Williams, but for the knowledge of Bipolar disorder being brought into the light, more so because of his death, and hopefully for more and better understanding of the disorder.

Mental illness, like Fibromyalgia, is a disease you are unable to see, however not seeing something should not mean someone should not be empathetic, should it?  I believe not.

My salvation? having a loving husband, as Rob is to me, and for standing by each other these past 21 years, and still now, regardless of how bad our ups and downs have been.

Those who know me personally, or those who have been following my daily journal here, have more then likely noticed a change the past Year as I never bake any more, I rarely cook, and gardening? a thing of the past for me, and now my daily journal has been lacking as well.  All my interests have gone to the wayside as I  no longer have any energy or desire, along with other things in my life.  I would be mortified right now should someone come to my door and want entry, I could not bare this with the state of my once organization having now been lost.  I am very *sad*, and hope there will be a road of recovery ahead in the very near future.

The Latuda website has some very good information on Bipolar, it may be found by *clicking* HERE., which outlines some information such as follows:

More Signs & Symptoms to Watch For

The signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder are different depending on the type of episode (i.e., manic or depressive). Each episode marks a drastic change from the way a person usually acts and their typical mood.
The Lows
Symptoms of a depressive episode (bipolar depression) may include:
  • No interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Loss of energy
  • Difficulty sleeping—either sleeping too much or not at all
  • Changes in appetite—eating too much or too little
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
The Highs
Symptoms of a manic episode may include:
  • Feelings of euphoria, abnormal excitement, or elevated mood
  • Talking very rapidly or excessively
  • Needing less sleep than normal, yet still having plenty of energy
  • Feeling agitated, irritable, hyper, or easily distracted
  • Engaging in risky behavior such as lavish spending, impulsive sexual encounters, or ill-advised business decisions
Mental Illness still has a stigma attached to it in today day and age, and moreso when I was growing up, when it was never spoke about, or in hushed tones if it had been.  It took me a lot of thought before I could share this today, however I believe it will help me, and hopefully others by doing so.

Thank you for not rejecting me.  Sympathy, I do not need, Empathy? yes please.

Thank is all she wrote, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.


  1. This is the sort of time i just feel i want to help, but i know i can't i do think of you regularly though, and worry a little to be honest. My challenges haven't been the same as yours, but we all face something to overcome. You 've been very courageous to post this, and i wish you well.

  2. Hugs, you will get through this with many loving hands holding you up. You have been there as much for me as I for you, I'm always only an "Apple" away.

  3. Your sharing is a big step. Yes, I noticed a change but thought it was the fibromyalgia and a few other ailments you mentioned. Reject you? Why would I reject you? We are friends.

  4. Do you know what? You have a diagnosis...people who care...people who've never even met you who love you (and your generator)...and you are going to be just fine... I know it! Jane xx

  5. Reject you? No way!! Your sharing of all the ups and downs has helped many of your friends who know you through your blog and in person feel more normal.....the challenges are different for each of us in this life..but we do all have them at times!

  6. Thank you for sharing. I know that it couldn't have been easy. All the people that read your blog wouldn't make judgements. We are there for you. Sending my regards and a hug. Ronnie x

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  8. This has taken a lot of courage for you to tell all of us, your friends and followers, what is going on in your life. I am so glad that you now have a concrete diagnosis and a plan to treat it. We won't reject you but will be here to celebrate your improvements and hold you up when you feel down. As a nurse I have come to realize that "everybody has something" although some hide it pretty well. Don't be discouraged if it takes a few tries and adjustments with your new meds, you will feel better.

  9. It will get better. You will stabilize. Thank goodness you have family support and a good doctor. Suicide has touched my family and friends 4 times. I wish they could have had the right help and wonder how different life may be if they had. It's a brave thing to admit and to seek help. But it is an illness. Just as if you were diabetic and needed medication, being treated for bipolar is a medical condition. If people don't understand, it is simply becasue they literally do not understand. You will find stability and get back to the things that you enjoy.

  10. HI, Cindy, I 'm so proud of you for posting this today, it wasn't easy I know but seems like a step forward to me. I totally agree with Razmataz, I think she has said most of what I am thinking. From experience I will mention one thing.....don't concern yourself with what
    the future might hold, just concentrate on life, minute by minute or what you are doing right now, things will get brighter. Sending kind and loving thoughts.

  11. So much more needs to be done to bring awareness to this illness. Attitudes are changing but slowly. As someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety for 40+ years I have a lot of empathy for what you're going through. Know that we support you and that your blog is a safe place. Sending you hugs!!

  12. I KNOW exactly where your head is at. You are very brave and strong. Just having the strength to talk about your voyage through this sweet and sour soup is a big step. Sending you a big old loving hug. Rejection? No way girlfriend!

  13. We love you so much Cindy! You are a great, caring, loving person. You know I understand. You will work through this with the support of Rob, family and friends. Know that you are not alone. xoxoxo. You take care of you first

  14. You are very courageous Cindy to share this. Hopefully now that you have a diagnosis it will be easier to move ahead and find ways of dealing with this. I wish the very best for you, and pray that things get better for you.

  15. There is a stigma attached to mental illness... we feel like we should be ashamed, or that people will judge us, or that we should just tough it out, that asking for help is a sign of weakness, but it's not.

    I live with depression. I don't need medication, but I have a therapist, and I can say that it helps. It helps a lot. I've been at the lowest point of my life, at a point where just for a moment, ending it sounded like a good idea. That scared me enough to get help, to go to therapy, and I was lucky enough that my therapist and I had a good rapport right off the bat. Mine comes from emotional abuse- two sisters who will never change, who spent years hurting me, and who I can never trust. Getting therapy helped me understand them more. Talking things through with a professional who's outside of the situation helps tremendously. I still have bad days, but I know how to push back against that black wall, make it go away.

    The meds can help, and it's important to keep talking with a therapist. It's also important to set your own boundaries in time. If that means cutting out toxic people from your life, you have to do that. Your emotional well being has to come first.


How nice of you to drop around to have a wee visit with me to see what I have been up to from time to time. I look forward to your comments as they add much brightness to my each and every day to know there are such wonderful people out there.

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