The Ugly:
Me having a terrible episode today that I thought would have me end up in the Hospital. Not certain if I am adjusting to the increase in medication, or what. I was unreasonable, irritable and ready to sign myself into a padded white room. The way I was biting Rob's head off it doesn't surprise me he never signed me in himself. I never usually speak of these as they are embarrassing to me I find, but maybe doing so in writing will somehow make it better for me???? time will tell.
The Bad:
How awful I feel when I have one of these episodes, as there is no lack of puddles of tears. Having a bad day every second day it seems is exhausting in itself.
The Good:
That I have a pretty patient husband, I have wonderful friends as a fantastic support system as backup, and Aussie dogs who love me unconditionally when I am in a "mood".
A friend who was able to walk with me today to get the benefit of those "good" dopamines, and for my friend who suggested for me to go for a walk.
More good? I helped a young girl catch her run away dog this afternoon. This made me feel really good.
I was happy I not only made my bed and do the dishes this weekend, I also managed to dust and vacuum the livingroom and do 2 loads of laundry. YAY me !!!
I feel like I loose most of my day(s) when I have an off mood or episode as I refer to them as, which gets me down. I have to stop to try and take out what part of the day that was good and concentrate on those things if I can to the best of my ability. I get very frustrated with myself, and extremely SAD sometimes.
I am sure there are many others who feel lonely at times. I usually feel lonely most of the time, even though I know I have fantastic family and friends rallying for me. I can feel lonely in a whole room of people wherein nobody would suspect what I am feeling.
I have learned at a very early age to hide my feelings. What has gotten more difficult for me as I have aged is to be able to hide them as well as I used to. Bipolar depression has many faces to hide behind, and I am loosing my masterfulness of this art, or so it seems lately. I hope I can get stablized before I find I lose myself more and more. I get scared.
I am grateful I have good parts in most of my bad days, that is the rollercoaster of the Bipolar ride so it seems. Now I have been diagnosed, I am learning more and more about myself, my moods and my actions, not all good. I am hoping once I begin Cognative Therapy Group I will gather tools to help me cope with my actions and reactions, so I will be able to stop beating myself up all the time.
Yes having a Mental Disability is exhausting. It being Bipolar II is exhausting. More on Bipolar Disorder can be found by *clicking* HERE.
Again, more good ...... is having kind understanding people rooting for me and standing at my side no matter what. Thank you to all YOU people.
Tomorrow? I pray for a better day, Today? is looking up from where it began, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.
Glad you found one of those patient supportive husbands!
ReplyDeleteYesterday you had a very, very busy day. Is there a pattern of difficult days and what the previous day was like?
ReplyDeleteYour hubby understands.
ReplyDeleteI've had my share of those bad days. I tended to find myself not so much physically tired at times, but mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Yup, we're here for you Cindy! I'm sure you're having regular meds reviews. It could well be the medication increase that is affecting you. My friend went through a number of meds and doses before finding what worked best for her. I find walking really helps with depression too - the hardest part is just getting motivated!
ReplyDelete