The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Today

The Ugly:

Me having a terrible episode today that I thought would have me end up in the Hospital. Not certain if I am adjusting to the increase in medication, or what.  I was unreasonable, irritable and ready to sign myself into a padded white room.  The way I was biting Rob's head off it doesn't surprise me he never signed me in himself.  I never usually speak of these as they are embarrassing to me I find, but maybe doing so in writing will somehow make it better for me???? time will tell.

The Bad:

How awful I feel when I have one of these episodes, as there is no lack of puddles of tears.  Having a bad day every second day it seems is exhausting in itself.

The Good:

That I have a pretty patient husband, I have wonderful friends as a fantastic support system as backup, and Aussie dogs who love me unconditionally when I am in a "mood".

A friend who was able to walk with me today to get the benefit of those "good" dopamines, and for my friend who suggested for me to go for a walk.

More good? I helped a young girl catch her run away dog this afternoon.  This made me feel really good.

I was happy I not only made my bed and do the dishes this weekend, I also managed to dust and vacuum the livingroom and do 2 loads of laundry.  YAY me !!!



I feel like I loose most of my day(s) when I have an off mood or episode as I refer to them as, which gets me down.  I have to stop to try and take out what part of the day that was good and concentrate on those things if I can to the best of my ability.  I get very frustrated with myself, and extremely SAD sometimes.

I am sure there are many others who feel lonely at times.  I usually feel lonely most of the time, even though I know I have fantastic family and friends rallying for me.  I can feel lonely in a whole room of people wherein nobody would suspect what I am feeling.

I have learned at a very early age to hide my feelings.  What has gotten more difficult for me as I have aged is to be able to hide them as well as I used to.  Bipolar depression has many faces to hide behind, and I am loosing my masterfulness of this art, or so it seems lately.  I hope I can get stablized before I find I lose myself more and more.  I get scared.

I am grateful I have good parts in most of my bad days, that is the rollercoaster of the Bipolar ride so it seems.  Now I have been diagnosed, I am learning more and more about myself, my moods and my actions, not all good.  I am hoping once I begin Cognative Therapy Group I will gather tools to help me cope with my actions and reactions, so I will be able to stop beating myself up all the time.

Yes having a Mental Disability is exhausting.  It being Bipolar II is exhausting.  More on Bipolar Disorder can be found by *clicking* HERE.

Again, more good ...... is having kind understanding people rooting for me and standing at my side no matter what.  Thank you to all YOU people.

Tomorrow? I pray for a better day, Today? is looking up from where it began, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.