Doom & Gloom

I would love to be able to blog the way I used to when I was flying high but these lows will not let me as the cobwebs are too dark in my head at present ..... I hope I will blog once again with as much flourish as I had once as this space was, and still is, for me and me alone.

I did accomplish one thing yesterday.  I managed to clean the foyer coming into the house.  Now only to hope the remainder of the house does not fall down around us in all its clutter.

I continue to seek counselling on a weekly basis.  I do not qualify YET for the trauma counselling as I need to get myself "in check" to be able to deal with that.  This will be the one goal I try to focus on each week as I attempt to move forward.

These past few days have been most difficult.  I am grateful I have an amazing support team such as my sister, a couple of fantastic friends, family and a husband that could never be replaced in a million years to be there for me when I am at my most fragile moments.  I worry that I will wear them down before I get better.  I hope this does not happen as I desperately need them.

I am also very fortunate to have a so very compassionate doctor, who I love dearly.  Yesterday at my appointment he made me feel at ease and is so rooting for me to try only to concentrate on myself getting better, trying not to allow the mess around me bother me so much.  We are working on getting me better together, as he suspects between Bipolar and childhood traumas I have been ill most of my 56 years.

Interesting enough I had stated to my Doctor that I wished I was back on that "high" were everything was getting done around me, where I would still strive for more, he retorted that being like that was not healthy, resulting in me being now in the state I am once I "crashed and burned".  Rob also said he didn't want me back in that state again ..... funny I never seen myself it being a problem, other then I was going on no sleep and tired most of the time, but then again I am now still tired without the energy of the high. I am told there is a healthy balance within the midst somewhere in the recesses of my being.

I used to be able to shake the depressive states in a couple of months, however finding this time around it has been lasting a couple of years, almost like I have been drowning in depression.  I have to believe I will get better, and I strive daily to believe this as tears come easily down my cheeks onto my lap.  My Doctor tells me it is more difficult to shake the bipolar depressive states as I get older, and experiencing menopause on top of it all makes it an even worse state.

I don't want to have all my blog posts be gloom and doom, however I don't know where else I can be in my Life right now then in it the way it is ....

This is all she wrote this day, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.