I'm Fine, Just Tired

Where does one begin? of course at the beginning.  The above? this is me and has been me for many, many years, since I was in my late teens or earlier I suspect if I could remember.  Either tired, or on a "high" with feeling somewhat normal episodes in-between.  It was never addressed then, and probably back then not a common thing even thought of, never mind discussed.

What is it? it is Bipolar 2, and after all these years I finally know what it is, but that fact in itself is not helping me deal with it in my now depressed state any better.

This past September, after the 5th antidepressant this past year prescribed for the Fibromyalgia not working, my Doctor asked me how my moods were.  We concluded I am Bipolar, with him being sorry he had not suspected for so long as we had been trying to deal with managing my pain.

Next step? being put on Lithium which is used to treat Bipolar.  After a month on this medication was there an improvement? no, I was slipping faster and faster into depression, with my Doctor referring me to a Physiatrist, Dr. John Lucas in Owen Sound.  This was a week ago this past Friday.

My meeting with Dr. Lucas was eventful by confirming Dr. Diodati's diagnosis, however as Dr. Lucas explained Lithium would be great to help with the manic part of bipolar, but not with the depression end of it.  A fairly new med was then prescribed, Latuda, which I began taking this past Thursday evening.  Dr. Lucas is a sincerely empathic kind man, and I found the 1 1/2 hours I had spent with him most comfortable, even sharing most some most uncomfortable times in my past with him.  There was no judging or criticism, only caring and compassion.  My tears flowed uncontrollably, however he never made me feel embarrassed once, nor silly while going on in my blubbering garble.

My past in "manic" states? I have lost 2 jobs, acted inappropriately many times making me slide into depressed states cause surely by being upset with my own actions.  A terrible place of not understanding what was going on within my head, sometimes thinking I would never escape its grip.

All the antidepressants I had been on since last year had been making the Bipolar Depression worse, as they were not "Mood" inhibitors (if that even is the proper way to describe it).  Hopefully the Latuda will help stabilize me, as this is the longest I have ever been depressed with no sign of it lifting, and it has been terrifying.

Why terrifying? because I always worry about people judging me, and not understanding.  Why would I feel this way? as my life has slid downhill, and I really mean downhill with my house, once organized, being a shambles with no organization at all.  I am lucky to make the bed and do up a few dishes daily, never mind those other things which keep a home managed and tidy.  Yes it has been a roller coaster ride, and most days not a very fun one.  I have seemingly, once again in my Life, lost control of it.

I am very fortunate to have understanding friends and family. I can not imagine how people manage without, however suspect more end up committing suicide then not.  A question might come to mind, have I attempted suicide? yes, twice, almost being successful both times, but by the Grace of God, and my brother coming to my rescue by getting me to a hospital a hair short of my life, here I am.

Roller Coaster you might wonder? well today my Auntie called me, and I answered hoping I sounded fine.  Not even an hour later I was a puddle of anxiety and tears, calling my sister who was not home, then next my girlfriend, Vicki, who distracted me enough until I came around a bit better.  This state was not caused by my Auntie's phone call, just the way I am any given time throughout a day.

This diagnosis has explained many of my actions, or lack there of, in past Year.  Now? we will wait and see if I don't eat myself into oblivion beforehand, or worry myself beyond repair.  No it is not fun, and many days I am grateful, not for the death of Robin Williams, but for the knowledge of Bipolar disorder being brought into the light, more so because of his death, and hopefully for more and better understanding of the disorder.

Mental illness, like Fibromyalgia, is a disease you are unable to see, however not seeing something should not mean someone should not be empathetic, should it?  I believe not.

My salvation? having a loving husband, as Rob is to me, and for standing by each other these past 21 years, and still now, regardless of how bad our ups and downs have been.

Those who know me personally, or those who have been following my daily journal here, have more then likely noticed a change the past Year as I never bake any more, I rarely cook, and gardening? a thing of the past for me, and now my daily journal has been lacking as well.  All my interests have gone to the wayside as I  no longer have any energy or desire, along with other things in my life.  I would be mortified right now should someone come to my door and want entry, I could not bare this with the state of my once organization having now been lost.  I am very *sad*, and hope there will be a road of recovery ahead in the very near future.

The Latuda website has some very good information on Bipolar, it may be found by *clicking* HERE., which outlines some information such as follows:

More Signs & Symptoms to Watch For

The signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder are different depending on the type of episode (i.e., manic or depressive). Each episode marks a drastic change from the way a person usually acts and their typical mood.

The Lows

Symptoms of a depressive episode (bipolar depression) may include:

• No interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Loss of energy
• Difficulty sleeping—either sleeping too much or not at all
• Changes in appetite—eating too much or too little
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

The Highs

Symptoms of a manic episode may include:

• Feelings of euphoria, abnormal excitement, or elevated mood
• Talking very rapidly or excessively
• Needing less sleep than normal, yet still having plenty of energy
• Feeling agitated, irritable, hyper, or easily distracted
• Engaging in risky behavior such as lavish spending, impulsive sexual encounters, or ill-advised business decisions

Mental Illness still has a stigma attached to it in today day and age, and moreso when I was growing up, when it was never spoke about, or in hushed tones if it had been.  It took me a lot of thought before I could share this today, however I believe it will help me, and hopefully others by doing so.

Thank you for not rejecting me.  Sympathy, I do not need, Empathy? yes please.

Thank is all she wrote, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.