Wednesday, 23 October 2019

Binge Eating, Up Close & Personal

I have decided I am going to continue on with this Blog.

My decision to keep blogging and be real about myself.  Why would I want to create another blog to hide myself away when I have done that most of my life? I have asked myself.  I have hidden  my Mental Illnesses, which until only a short couple of years ago I had then only a name attached to each, as I had not known I had been suffering with these disorders all my life, but for the depression and anxiety.  My cries for help had been not recognized, ignored, or hushed up, causing myself to hide in shame and anguish when making wrong choices when I had been Manic, and not understanding why I was how I was, hating myself when I self medicated with alcohol, being a learned behaviour from my childhood, as that is how one dealt with their emotions, binge eating in secret to sooth myself then hating myself even more, being unable to Love myself and still trying to figure out how to quit hating myself.... guilt ridden for things out of my control, shame, hatred, self loathing, and I am certain if I sat down instead of these coming off the top of my head I could come up with many more ways how I have felt over the years, and in the now.

Sigh.... I have been a Binge Eater since a Child, as long as I can remember.  Why did I become a Binge Eater? well because they say Childhood Trauma can cause Binge Eating, as it is comforting to eat food.  And I suppose when one needs lots of comforting they consume lots of food, as I did and have resorted back to the last Year, and many times throughout my Lifetime.

Fact:  A binge eater does not have to be overweight or obese.

A few Years ago, before I had been properly diagnosed with my Mental Illnesses, Bipolar 2, Social Anxiety, PTDS, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, OCD, Binge Eating Disorder (just recently when I decided to also come "out of the closet" with it as well).... I was being, once again, treated for Depression.  For well over a Year I was prescribed numerous anti-depressants with none even denting the severe depression I was in... what they did do was increase my hunger causing me to binge eat like I had never have before in my life, like a pig up to a trough literally, it was disgusting to myself but I  had no control over the hunger was that heightened.  After two years, and how many different anti-depressants, my Doctor asked me about my Moods, wherein I described my ups and downs, my 2 hours sleep a night, occasionally crashing into a 12 hour catch-up sleep a handful of times a Year, my racing thoughts, everything I was before I crashed into such a terrible dark depression that had me feeling suicidal more days then not.  He sat, looked at me, and said, "I am so sorry I never asked you about your moods before".  Why would he say that? because I had a Mood Disorder, and I had crashed into a Bipolar Depression two years prior, not just a "Depression".  For those who do not know the difference please *click* this highlighted link "Bipolar vs Clinical Depression", which is the article I have found giving the best explanation of myself.

When I was Manic binge eating didn't effect my weight as I was on such a high, going on 2 hours of sleep quite often, so I kept it off more easily, and if I didn't I would go crazy with exercise to keep it off as I had the energy to do so.  When I literally "crashed" into a deep Bipolar Depression & was misdiagnosed the weight went up and up and up until I was 212 lbs !  I had never been over 155 lbs in my Life, and that is what I weight when in the 9th month of pregnancy with my 2nd child.  All the medication did was cause the hunger to increase, turned me into a Zombie, increased Suicidal idealizations, and more loathing and self hatred of myself.

Once properly diagnosed, along with my Doctor's support, I took control back of my eating, going down to 160 lbs, in 2 years, 10 lbs away .my Goal Weight, which I had been before the taking the incorrect medications.

Then.... something "snapped", something had gone "awry", something inside wasn't "right", as a Year ago in September the binge eating returned making a huge presence in my Life, once again.  It was slow, it snuck in, even though I was aware... the more I tried ways to "control" it the worse it got, and gets, "out of control".... do you know Binge Eaters more then not, hide the amounts of food they eat, that foods can mindlessly be stuffed into their mouths handful after handful, that even being full doesn't stop the feeling of hunger, even at times to the point of feeling sick but continuing with the binging?  Foods are hidden and eaten in secret, hate and loathing of ones self are heightened, worthlessness and not wanting to be here are a constant mind set, and there is more, again if I sat down to list them all rather then from the top of my head.... how do I know all of this? because this is ME, this is ME NOW, and I HATE MYSELF but I can't control myself which makes me HATE MYSELF even MORE.

Before I go any further, please do NOT feel sorry for me, do NOT feel you can help, all I ask for is empathy, awareness, and if possible, understanding.  AWARENESS is why I am sharing, as more people need to be AWARE, and more people need EMPATHY, NON-JUDGEMENT, as it is a real illness, just as Cancer, MS, Diabetes, or any other illness is.

I have spoken to my Doctor about my increased Binge Eating over the past Year, however he feels if I get the treatment for my other mental illnesses, as in repeating DBT, and working on my Recovery daily, that the Binge Eating will eventually subside the more stable my Mental Illness(es) recovery becomes.  Guess what? that hasn't been happening as it has gotten worse and completely "out of control"...

A small bit of shared reality of where I am in my Binge Eating right now in example of a recent day....a double serving of Steel Oats with a banana/hemp hearts, 1/4 of a Costco Kirkland brand of Dutch Apple Pie (these pies are humongous), 2 Peanut butter sandwiches (on Healthy bread mind you), an apple, another piece of Kirkland Dutch Apple Pie, 3 small bags of Veggie Chips, and a 1/2 litre of Chocolate Milk, which I am terrified to estimate how many calories all that added up to.  This for me the past month would be a moderate Binge.

I have gained 5 lbs in less then a week, 3 lbs had showed up last week in one overnight weigh in !!!  I have gained 30 lbs, and rising since last August.  A few months ago I attempted purging, but stopped myself, and had the same thought last night as I had ate until I felt sick, but still continued to binge.  On the weekend I also began laxative abuse, which I stopped doing after 2 days.  I now recognize these two attempts at controlling my out of control weight gain are unhealthy, and there is no other way to put it.

Way back when I had totally uncontrolled episodes of Binge Eating, two magnify themselves in my  mind, one when I was in my late twenties, and one in my early thirties....

The first one I recall picking up a dozen Tim Horton Donuts and eating the whole lot in front of my Mother, who couldn't believe what I had done.  I would find myself getting up at 3 am and eating a whole bag of Oreo cookies.  I was so out of control, I begin purging by making myself throw up, and then resorting to the abuse of laxatives.  I was so unhappy I also then began to self medicate with alcohol as I could drink and not be hungry, also smoking cigarettes, every time I felt hungry I had a cigarette instead.  The excessive weight I had gained at that time came off by means of what I was doing to myself.

The second time when I found myself out of control I became anorexia going down to 103 lbs at my lowest, for someone 5' 6" at that time, that was very thin.  I drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and remember eating maybe a piece a crusty bread a day, and getting barely any sleep a day.

Both times there had been a Crisis in my Life, both times I was Manic (unbeknown to me until 5 years ago), both times I attempted suicide, both times my Brother came to my rescue, the 2nd time they could have lost me if I hadn't been brought in by a mere second I was told.  Oh my God, I could go into more detail about how amazing and strong my brother is, and what lead me up to these suicide attempts, but this is about Binge Eating at the moment.  Also back then they did NOT evaluate you for any possible Mental Illnesses after a Suicide Attempt(s), or if they did they didn't to me.

Binge Eating has always affected me when there has been crisis or unhappiness in my Life to the point where control wasn't even recognized by myself, wherein I was hopeless and in self-destruct mode.

Where am I today? in this moment?  Self hatred and self loathing is foremost, as I have never felt self love, or even remember when I have, my Doctor constantly tries supporting me in this area, even to the point of asking me to "Fake" that I love myself.  I can be compassionate, empathic, and loving to another who might be in the same situation as myself, however I am unable to give myself the same.

I have a Doctor's appointment this Friday, I have done some research, and reached out in a Facebook Binge Eating Support Group I have created, that there is a drug which has proven to help with the cravings of a Binge Eater, which I will be discussing with him.  In this moment I don't know what else to do as I have pretty much done everything else I can think of, other then continue to read a book on Binge Eating I had been gifted by my After Care Worker, when she retired, "Overcoming Binge Eating, by Dr. Christopher Fairburn".  I am going to try to keep reaching out to my husband, Rob, who has been beyond kind and understanding, I am so blessed we are in each others lives.

My personal take on my Binge Eating, Up Close & Personal? it is an extension of my Mental Illnesses.  It has at times filled a void and comforted me, however it has also created more self hatred and loathing of myself.  It is very powerful, and extremely debilitating, as most Mental Illnesses and/or Disorders are.  It is not something that you can wake up one morning and say, "I am not going to binge on food today", as I do that every day to no avail, and no Disorder is ever that easy.  I am going to continue to struggle with this and pray I can find a solution.  I also know this continuing episode, which began over a Year ago, and the extent of the Binge Eating has been triggered by something that has & is still making me very unhappy, as that is what happened those two times in previously in my earlier Life.  I have been struggling within to figure out what might be the "root" of the trigger last Year.  One possibility has come to mind, but I have to dig deeper yet.

Homewood Hospital in Guelph Ontario, which is a private hospitable, does have an Eating Disorder Program, however this time in my Life it is not feasible for me to look into the possibility of enrolling in such a program.

It is difficult some days to be honest, but to begin any recovery one has to start with being honest with themselves.  I will be doing a blog post on the outcome of my appointment with my Doctor this upcoming Friday, in the meantime....

This is all she wrote this day.....Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Disclaimer:  All is based on my own experiences, should you have similar issues with any Disorder please contact a Medical Doctor.


Monday, 21 October 2019

Undecided But What I Do Know

I am undecided as to whether or not to create a new blog for my Mental Illness struggles and dark days, as I feel maybe I should hide the reality and truth of some of my days, instead of putting a heavy mask on again and blog all "Sunshine & Lollipops" in my long time blog here.  Most people don't understand how someone can appear happy but be depressed, or if they sincerely can have a happy day or more, then other days be down and depressesd.

I have also had a Lifetime of not being confident in making decisions, aftermath of the way I was brought up I am now certain since I have made myself more knowledgeable about my illnesses the past 5 years or so, and still doing so daily.

Why I did stop blogging for a couple of years when I had crashed into a Bipolar Depression was my daily blog posts would have been very dark more then likely consisting of one sentence posts saying, "today I am very depressed, sad, with no energy", or some days worse then that.

Here I sit this morning being awake most of the night, experiencing "panic attacks", being "indecisive", "depressed" and in tears..... what do I do? begin a new blog with a new name where nobody could find me and read about the darkness which is my reality some days?  I just don't know...

What I do know my husband, Rob, came home last night and was ever so kind trying to console me about me "hating myself", what I do know is I try very hard to push "negative" thoughts away and replace them with "positive", what I do know I do so much "self talk", what I do know is I "work very hard daily on my mental illnesses", what I do know it exhausts me "wearing a Mask and pretending to feel what I am not feeling", what I do know is "I hate living the way I am at times", what I do know "I am better then I was a year ago", what I do know is "many people support me", what I do know is "I am loved", what I do know is, "I am very empathetic and kind to others", what I do know is, "I am a good person", what I do know is "I am a good daughter, sibling and friend", what I do know is "I am a very sensitive & passionate person", what I do know is "I hate confrontations", what I do know is "I love my pets", what I do know is "I am scared of the unknown", what I do know is ….. much more....

…..but what I don't know is why I want to self destruct, as I have many times throughout my life, and why I am feeling so depressed, horrible, scared and sad.

People, I know, sometimes see me doing things, laughing, but they have no idea where I go in my head when I am alone, even times when I am in the company of others.  People with mental illnesses do get so tired of being who they are expected to be, of wearing a heavy mask to cover up their real feelings, being afraid of judgement should they really show themselves....I am so tired today.

So the question still remains, "do I create a new blog" to hide behind along with my Mental Illnesses?

This is all she wrote......Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard


Thursday, 17 October 2019

She Arrived On A Jet Plane

Many many many years ago when I first began "blogging" some bloggers followed each others blogs... I am pretty certain when I was participating in the "See You in the Gumbo" where we shared our Foodie Blogs, I began following Lynn's Blog "Turnips 2 Tangerines".

From there we commented on each others blogs, and oh man I never knew anyone personally, as personal as it was through our blogs, who has made so many different food recipes in my Life.  Then over the several Years we began emailing, writing letters/cards, a couple of phone calls, Facebook friends, and then all hell broke loose when we started texting each other !!!!  When I was at my lowest in a Bipolar Depression for 2 years there was a period of time Lynn mailed me a card weekly, even though I didn't have any joy those days it had meant the World to me.  That is what true friends are made of.

The last couple of years I have invited Lynn & her hubby, Jim, up from Wisconsin to pay us a visit.  I would have loved for Rob & I to have gone there but with the Exchange being 23 cents to the Dollar, it made way more sense for them to come here.  

Lynn surprised me this past Spring by announcing she was booking Air Fare to come visit us in October.  Keep in mind we have never met in person before, wherein her husband questioned her visiting us, since you know we could be "axe murderers".  Regardless Lynn pulled up her "Big Girl Brave Pants", and arrived on a Jet Plane in Canada at the Toronto Pearson Airport.

When we picked Lynn up at the Airport neither us skipped a beat, it was like we had known each other all our lives.  Oh yes I have forgotten to mention how much we are alike in all our likes and dislikes in Life, also having similar Life experiences, and only 1 year apart in age !!!  Holy moly Batman CRAZINESS …..

We were all starving as it was around 1 pm, we hadn't ate yet that day, and Lynn only some toast at 5:30 am before heading to the Milwaukee airport.  We took Lynn to have the "Pebbles Restaurant" experience in Varney on our way home.  Never been to Pebbles? I think it is Rob's favourite since it is owned by Mennonites, with Rob being brought up & adopted by Mennonites, he "schmucks" the food there.  Of course now Lynn also has Pebbles on her "favourite" list I am certain.  Check it out if have never been there at the following link:  Pebbles Family Restaurant

Needless to say once we got home we were not only full, we were all exhausted.  Bedtime couldn't have came fast enough for the three of us.

Sunday came and we were off to the races, as Lynn was heading back home Thursday only giving us 4 days to pack in a lot of experiences.

Day 1:  To my Hometown of Southampton ON where Lynn got to see the beautiful beach, Denny's Dam, and the old Cemetery, which I love imaging the pioneers of the area back in the 1700's & 1800's.


Day 3 & 4:  Lunch at Green Door Cafe on the Tuesday, after Lynn had a Manicure & I a hair cut, as since Lynn seen me blog many times about lunch there it was on her "list" to do.  The Wednesday we lunched at Lloyd's Smoke Shop & Pool Hall where you can get the best Homemade Ice Cream on the Bruce Peninsula (this is why all my Grandchildren love me as when they visit they know I will be taking them one of the days to have ice cream for Lunch).


Day 2:  We went over for a trip to Owen Sound where we stopped to take in the beautiful Jones Falls.  A lovely place to visit going through Owen Sound by Springmount.  This also was the day Lynn got to try Sweet Pickled Cottage Roll for the first time EVER !  she loved it, and sadly she had never had it before cause they just don't have it in Wisconsin, eh Lynn? 


Day 4:  I think it was Day 4, but it seems like so long ago now it could have been Day 1 ?  regardless we were at the Bruce Caves just outside of Wiarton thru Oxeden.  Should you have never been here it really is a lovely walk in to see the Caves.


Day 4 also was a bittersweet day as it had been Lynn's last full day here "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard" in Canada.  I was very amused, to say the least, of Lynn trying to pack her "very large" suitcase as it certainly was a lot heavier leaving Canada then when it arrived.


The Last Day, Rob headed down the Hwy to deliver Lynn to the Airport to return home.  I never included numbering the days picking Lynn up, or dropping her off, as they weren't days spent taking in the "experience" of Bruce County Hospitality.


NOTE TO JIM (Lynn's Hubby):  You never had to worry about Lynn since Rob & I retired from being "Axe Murderers" as …...


…. so Jim it is quite safe for you to come visit next time (as long as you don't think we might come out of retirement and find a few more hiding places?)

Lynn's visit from her 5th arrival until the 10th departure was an amazing time.  It was like we had been friends all of our lives.  Lynn said, "everyone has a twin in this World, and we are so much alike we could be that".  True dat, Lynn !

That is all she wrote this day …… "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".

Sunday, 13 October 2019

High Expectations & What "I" Want & Who "I" Am

This morning I had, for lack of knowing how else to say it, an "epiphany".  I have been going way back in my mind looking for times when I was comfortable with "me", even though there is one time I can think of I remember how "freeing it was".

The time this happened in my Life was when I was going to Al-Anon, back in my mid-thirties.  It was at that time I realized "MY expectations set me up for Disappointment".  When I realized this I remember how much better I had felt when I "let go" of how I thought things should be and started accepting I had the steering wheel of how and what I thought.  Where did that freeing "epiphany" go all these years later ….

It was short lived, as I realize now, and I went back to not being or knowing myself.  It was becoming what & who others wanted me to be, and/or expected me to be.  Myself was short lived, and I lost myself once again.

I have recently had another crisis, or disappointment it might also be named, again in my Life.  I have been allowing it to smother and consume me, as all crises and disappointments have done most of my Life since a child.  Something is different this time... I don't want to be consumed by the situation anymore, I don't want to hurt, I don't want it to drive me to unwanted behaviours I have carried with me all my Life, such has guilt, lack of self worth, panic, anxiety, and binge eating.

How am I handling this differently, as I surely hadn't been up until this morning... I started searching and reading about how "Are Your Expectations Setting You Up for Disappointment?"

What am I trying to learn again? …. I am the only one who has the "Key" to myself, I am the only one who can control how I "think or don't think".

Is this going to make me free again, and my Life easier? … not always but it is a start to looking deeper within myself in situations, and hopefully begin not judging myself, or others.  I am hoping this time around in attending a DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) Group, I can put my whole self into it this time to begin the healing.

Is healing and freedom going to be immediate? …. no it will not be, as it didn't happen overnight for me to become the way I am, as it began from when I was a Child, so therefore it will take time, with me maybe never being completely recovered.  This also I am beginning to accept.  

The important thing is me wanting to recover, me wanting to find myself, me wanting to heal, me wanting not to judge myself or others, me wanting to enjoy the Life I have been Blessed with to the fullest.

There are going to be many down days, especially with the crisis at hand, however with support and my willingness for recovery it still will be picking myself up from going backwards, and continuing to go ahead.

Further in the time ahead I am thinking I will someday share how my Life was as a Child, bringing me through adolescence, a young adult, wife, mother...to where I am today.  It will take much soul searching, hurt and healing, but I feel I need to accept all and continue my journey of knowing myself, accepting myself, loving myself, and most of all forgiving myself.

A blogger friend, thanks again Cathy, had posted an article about "Grown Children of Alcoholic Parents".  How these children were described in this article was point on "who I have been" all my Life.... the truth being I could never explain "me" as well as this article explained "me".  Every one of the 10 points are "me" with the exception of no other siblings lived at home from the time I was 7 years old, there abouts.  It answered for me why my Mental Illnesses diagnosis are Borderline Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety, PTDS, although I am not certain that the Bipolar 2 would come into play as I don't think that would be caused by Childhood Traumas, but then again I honestly do not know.  I am confident in saying my "Binge Eating Disorder" emerged when I was a child and from the trauma(s) I had been exposed to.

Should anyone like to get to know the inside of me, please read the article by *clicking* on the following highlighted title.  And anyone who has also had alcoholic parents, maybe this same article will speak to you also and help you seek, if you already haven't, a road to recovery for yourself.

"You Don't Outgrow the Effects of an Alcoholic Parent"
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/06/you-dont-outgrow-the-effects-of-an-alcoholic-parent/?fbclid=IwAR3V8Jdu8L_xX8idxinKzQcm_Pzvu25x96cYaIGYbWWwSqGF9JzZjJD4FsQ

What I also would like to say is I do not blame my parents for being alcoholics, although I know there were times I didn't like them at all, OR probably even hated them, however they had their own Childhood Traumas, and back then (my Mother just turned 92, and if my Dad were alive he would be 98) there was no help for any kind of Mental Disorders, or none that were probably much to speak of.... after all these Years of being treated for depression it was only a mere 2 years ago I was diagnosed properly, and I turned 60 this past March (YIKES !!!!).

Truly my fingers are flying over the keyboard as I have held in so much for so long it seems like it could possibly all come out in this one blog post, however that would not be realistic as I surely would wear out my fingertips and be here for many many many days.

I am pretty certain I have said much in this post for one day, and I guess what is most important to me was and is the realization of why I am how I am, and realizing how I can further change to heal myself.

My longtime Blogger friend, Lynn, & I had a great first time ever visit last week, and I am hoping to blog about it and post photos this upcoming week.

I had a huge Binging Eating episode the past two nights, however I am proud of myself for being kind to myself by having a shower last night.  That is a biggie for someone who suffers from depression and is in a low spot.  Also I am proud of myself that I chose to accept myself for who I am this day, not days ahead, just this day.


*Image found on Facebook"

This is all she wrote this day...."Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

PS:  There is always the "fear of being judged" before hitting the "publish" button, however this too is part of recovery & healing.




Saturday, 5 October 2019

Beyond Excited !

Here I am at 4:50 am Saturday morning... yes I have had insomnia for Years, however been much better about that the last couple.  Then why on God's green earth would I be wide awake, although not bushy tailed, at 2:48 am? because …..

My friend is arriving today on a Jet Plane flying in from Milwaukee into Toronto Pearson Airport !!!!  We have NEVER met in person yet, and I am so excited for her arrival ! why you might ask? because...

We have been in contact for at least 7 years, first through out blogs, then email, then a couple of phone calls, then writing, yes using Snail Mail through the Post Offices, then Facebook, then texting almost every week if not more some weeks.... Lynn always said, "everyone supposedly has a twin in this World", and she is positive we are twins in Spirt as we are so much alike in our interests, fears, likes/dislikes, except she doesn't care for Liver & Onions, but.... her husband Jim does, and that has to count for something does it not?

Unfortunately Lynn will technically be here 5 nights, but in reality we will only have 4 days together, and trust me I have those 4 days planned out to the hour (not really but that does sound rather fun saying that).

We pick her up at the airport just after 12 pm this aft, providing all goes well at the arrival with no headaches with Customs holding everyone up, then head to one of Rob's favourite restaurants along the way home, we many just a bit out of the way to Pebbles in Varney.  Rob loves this restaurant as Mennonites own it, and being brought up & adopted by a Mennonite Family, the food preparations are right up his alley.  Since it is a Buffet, we will be so full, by the time we get back home we will all be tired & ready to roll right into our beds.... I will forsure, and actually Lynn might too as they are heading into to the Milwaukee Airport around 5 am, oh it is that now I bet she is up and loading her very "large" suitcase into the vehicle about now.  "Large" suitcase? of course as you have to have lots of room in your suitcase when it is your very first trip to Canada & you want to take Dare's Maple Cookies home with you, just maybe a few bags would be all.

Lynn has never had a Cottage Roll before.  Cottage Roll will definitely be on the menu while she is here.  Also since I have past blogged about my favourite Wiarton Restaurant, The Green Door Cafe, she would also like to lunch there.  Reservations have already been made for Tuesday, as I was all over that one like a dirt shirt.

Depending on the weather,,,,,hmmmm, which is not always dependable by any means this Fall, either Sunday or Monday we will take in a bit of hiking, a trip to my Hometown, Southampton, Sauble Beach & Sauble River, as well as one of my favourite back roads at this time of year, Rankin River Road.  Tuesday while I get a haircut, I booked Lynn in for a Pedicure, then we go for lunch, and maybe a bit of a shop to show her around Downton Wiarton.

Then that leaves Wednesday, which I have left open to see what trouble we will get into doing that day.  Alas it all ends Thursday when we return her as she will be "Flying on a Jet Plane" back home…..

There is my excitement all laid out, and will be validated in the upcoming 4 days.

Wow I can't believe how much I really have missed blogging these last 3 years, but for a couple of posts as you can tell by the side list.  It is making me feel free and happy with my fingertips flying across the keyboard, and my mind flowing freely.  It almost feels liberating, releasing all those happy hormones.  This is good as I have had a surmountable stress the past week, which had released so much Cortisol the Binge Eating was way out of control, however that will be another future blog post, as I am going to hang onto these good feelings I am having in the moment.

When Rob & I had been "Glamping" in June & September at the Oastler Lake Provincial Park just 10 minutes South of Parry Sound, ON, I got back into my Passion for taking photos there.  The park ha an annul Photo Contest, which Yesterday I entered with the following four photos:

 This photo was taken at a Tent Camping area... could you imagine open the doorway to your tent in the morning & having this view?  what a way to begin a day !

 This Photo was my favourite Look-Out spot in the park.

 I love this photo of Rob & our Aussie, Buddy looking over the Lake in contemplation.

This photo is one of my favourites, I call it "Sleeping Child"

The were emailed off to the Contest yesterday, so we will wait and see.  If I do not win I am okay because I love these photos and they bring me warm memories of my time spent away with Rob, and brought my Passion back for taking photos.  There was one time I would never be seen without a camera, now I can be more sneaky by using my iPhone XR, although I would like another camera as I miss my Fuji, which they do not make the model I used anymore (they always seem to take the good things that worked well away, do they not?).  I don't care for having to change lenses on the Cannon Rebel to take long shots, I would prefer to have the Zoom built in a DSL styled Point & Shoot Camera.  Maybe I will have to somehow convince Rob I NEED one for Christmas this Year?

I have had another crazy busy week behind me, not leaving me much time to get as ready for Lynn's arrival as I wanted to be, but its ok her bedroom is clean, the bathroom and kitchen a well, and our Aussie/Kitty House sitter is going to do the floors today for me, thank goodness, God forbid I have company and they get "stuck to my floors" … oh man the embarrassed !!!

Stay tuned as I am certain I will be blogging our daily adventuress in my upcoming blog posts.

Until then... I am "Beyond Excited !"

That is all she wrote...."Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".

PS:  Just to add to the excitement Davidson has caught & brought a mouse up from the Basement, I will be letting Rob address that situation when he wakes up, after letting him have a coffee first of course.0

Tuesday, 1 October 2019

My Mind is Swirling

Hello October 1st, how fast you have came back again this Year ….

Part of My Flowerbed September 28th 2019

This morning I had my weekly visit with my Community Support Worker.  I have so much to do before my long time blogging friend, Lynn of @Turnips & Tangerines, arrives to visit this Saturday I am overwhelmed, and not because of her visiting as her room is the only clean room in the house, it is everything else I have on my plate … *Sigh*  Anyhow back to where I was going with this... instead of staying at the house I choose to go for a walk as I haven't been on a walk since returning from our vacation on the 18th of September.  Way too long not for me to walk & not be out in Nature.

We went down a no exit road, taking my "Wild Child" aka Mazda with us, as she is more wild then usual being in with her pups the most part of the days.  It was a lovely breezy walk, with not even a slight thought to there being no sunshine.  It couldn't been more perfect to chat, take in the surroundings, and watch Mazda enjoy herself.

The old corner fence was decorated by Nature itself, the berry bushes were bright red, and returning home I captured the Daisies still showing off their brilliance.

Walking out and about in Nature calms my Soul, helps me forget what I have been overwhelmed about, relaxes me which is something I have found difficult to do most of my Life.  Life in itself is good when I am out & about surrounded by Nature.

My mind has been swirling with so many thoughts of what I want to say in my Blog posts.  I have so much I want to say.  I have so much to share.  I have so much there are times I feel my mind is going to explode.  I am crying and feeling happy I am back blogging again.  I feel safe from everything when I can put out who I "really am" without the fear of being judged.  Those who might judge me I am thinking would not be reading my posts, so that is a feeling of security for me.  Although there might be people who would or do read my blog & judge me, but I hope that along the way they would learn compassion, empathy, and put away such thoughts of judgements & self centeredness, as not one of us were born perfect, and not one of us will every be perfect as I am certain we are all equal in having each of our own flaws... that is comforting, is it not?  I laugh at myself for the way I think sometimes, but that is a good thing as well.  What a mouthful that was I think !

I did get one thing checked off my list today ! which was folding and putting away 4 loads of laundry.  Can you imagine ???  I still had a load from when we were camping, a load of towels, one of puppy bedding, and another of this & that.  I refuse to use my dryer, especially if it is not an low rate day, so I waited to wash it all and put it out on the line this past Sunday.  It had been the perfect drying day.  Really I have been busy all day, not just folding laundry, honestly.

Tomorrow afternoon is the WRAP group, and I have homework to review for DBT group on Thursday, and of course it is the 3rd Quarter for the Crabby Cabbie soooooo that paperwork needs organized and dropped off to the Bookkeeper.  Also prospective puppy owners, or I should actually say a couple, husband & wife, are arriving late afternoon to see their little bundle who they are 99.9% sure will be theirs for his Lifetime.  Okay Heather, in case you are reading this post, nobody ever arranges someone to come in to let a puppy out when they are at work, or looks for a crate, or never ever names the puppy if they are not going to get him 100%.... Anthony is hooked, and you? we knew you were the first time you seen his photos, yes ?   I will let Syd the Kid know it is a 100%  done deal.

The new Season for The Voice began again last week. It is on Monday & Tuesdays until they have chosen their "picks".  It is now 7:43.  I have a few things to do yet, but at 8 pm you can be guaranteed I will be in front of my TV.

Another day is coming to a close... 

This is all she wrote, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".





Monday, 30 September 2019

Giving It A Go Again !

Sigh.... there has been a lot going on in my life since I last did a blog post.  I have missed the last three years, but for a couple of posts, and truly I have been missing it.

For those who know me know I went into a severe Bi-Polar Depression... it lasted well over 2 years, and it has been an up & down road since I was properly diagnosed, finally put on the proper medications.  My diagnosis ?  Bi-Polar 2, Borderline Personality Disorder (no that does not mean I have multiply personalities, Thank God), Social Anxiety, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Binge Eating Disorder (which began as a child, and that I recently "came out of the closet" about.  I will cover that in a later Blog Post) Recovery isn't a permanent with Mental Illnesses, it can be & is many days, a daily struggle.

The past couple of Years I have been advocating Mental Illnesses, based on my own.  I began doing this on my Facebook page.  It was difficult at first for fear of being judged, always one of my fears, and it felt like "coming out of the closet" with my Mental Illnesses.  Never have I expected or wanted sympathy, only awareness, empathy, and understanding, as much as can be without having such illnesses, even if it helped one person that would be amazing !  Funny thing when I explain my mental illnesses in person to someone I am still anxious and fearful of being judged, surely I am this way from the way it was for me many times as a child with alcoholic parents (that will be another blog post in the future).

So much has gone on in the past years since I stopped blogging.... one of the best things, which came of my Mental crash, is the bond between my husband, Rob, and I, both growing even with the effects of my mental illnesses had on us both.  It was very, very difficult, but he learned so much and really was supportive most of the time, considering many times he felt helpless with not knowing what to do to help me, or very frustrated with our life the way it was, or wasn't for that matter.  Truthfully he couldn't help me, but standing by me and sticking it out with me was the best thing he ever could have done more me, and for that I am beyond grateful for him being strong enough to do that.

Many, many, times families are broken up by Mental Illnesses as they take their toll, especially if the one with the illness(es) do not seek help for themselves.  I am blessed that my husband & I are there for each other through the bad & the good times, no matter how cliche that may sound it is the truth of how it is.

The end of this Summer I begin a DBT group (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), my second time as I had also attended the same group a year ago.  And a week ago I began a WRAP (Wellness Recover Action Plan) Group, which I had also been in about 2 years ago.  I am grateful for having access to these programs within Grey/Bruce Counties, as some places in Canada do not have these programs unfortunately.

My long term goals are to get back to having a routine in my Life, as my home went to ruins while I was so ill, making me sicker just looking at it.  Sitting on a couch all day in a depressive state doesn't get ANYTHING DONE, however it was where I was in my mind at those times, and I am still here to tell the story, so that is all that is important.  I also want to get back to my love of taking photos, even though I have began getting my joy back in doing so and posting to my Facebook page, along with blogging on a regular basis, however I will need to get routine back in my life before I get back at it daily again.

A couple of highlights I have had in the last couple of years was meeting 3 granddaughters two years ago, one who I seen when she was only a couple of months old, and two who I had never met before. My oldest granddaughter, who is now 19, made me a great grandmother on the 12th of July this Year.  I will get to posting photos in the near future of sweet Ryan John Lee... ooooh how I love babies and grandchildren !!!

Rob & I have been "Glamping" twice this Year !!!!  here are 2 photos, out of many, while we were away the first part of this September at Oastler Lake Provincial Park.


We have puppies !!!  8 puppies, so that is keeping me extra busy, of course on top of everything else.

Okay well that is where I am at "Giving It A Go Again", so hopefully I will be back in the saddle on a more regular basis again soon.  Until then .....

That is all she wrote, "Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard".

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