Monday, 23 November 2015


Don't you just love Nat King Cole .... and this song?  I do is for certain as it is so melancholy, is it not?

Many heartfelt thanks for everyone who has rallied their support to me now and the days ahead, This  in itself means more to me then words could every say ....... 

This day was gone before I could blink? where did it go to I have no idea; what did I accomplish, I think not much of anything.  However 4 pm came along with me heading downtown to get a pedicure, as a friend had a cancellation last week and booked me in.  Not only did she have a cancellation she fit me in on her very very booked calendar for every 2nd month in the New Year ! something I, and my feet will look forward to.

Straight from the pedicure I headed down to the Wiarton Chamber office as this evening us elves were busy getting Santa's Candy Bags ready for the Wiarton Santa Claus Parade on the 5th of December at 7 pm.

Myself, Wenda & Cathy of The Painted Turtle & Balloon Headquarters, Sue Givens, fellow Chamber Director, and Paul Deacon, Chamber President.  We had fun, and the candy bags were done much faster then when just Paul, Wenda and I did them last Year.  Helping extra hands go a long way in getting a job done.

I could not resist taking a photo of the Train Station in its nightly luminous state.

Home now with The "Voice" on the TV, with bedtime to follow thereafter, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Sunday, 22 November 2015

I'm Fine, Just Tired

Where does one begin? of course at the beginning.  The above? this is me and has been me for many, many years, since I was in my late teens or earlier I suspect if I could remember.  Either tired, or on a "high" with feeling somewhat normal episodes in-between.  It was never addressed then, and probably back then not a common thing even thought of, never mind discussed.

What is it? it is Bipolar 2, and after all these years I finally know what it is, but that fact in itself is not helping me deal with it in my now depressed state any better.

This past September, after the 5th antidepressant this past year prescribed for the Fibromyalgia not working, my Doctor asked me how my moods were.  We concluded I am Bipolar, with him being sorry he had not suspected for so long as we had been trying to deal with managing my pain.

Next step? being put on Lithium which is used to treat Bipolar.  After a month on this medication was there an improvement? no, I was slipping faster and faster into depression, with my Doctor referring me to a Physiatrist, Dr. John Lucas in Owen Sound.  This was a week ago this past Friday.

My meeting with Dr. Lucas was eventful by confirming Dr. Diodati's diagnosis, however as Dr. Lucas explained Lithium would be great to help with the manic part of bipolar, but not with the depression end of it.  A fairly new med was then prescribed, Latuda, which I began taking this past Thursday evening.  Dr. Lucas is a sincerely empathic kind man, and I found the 1 1/2 hours I had spent with him most comfortable, even sharing most some most uncomfortable times in my past with him.  There was no judging or criticism, only caring and compassion.  My tears flowed uncontrollably, however he never made me feel embarrassed once, nor silly while going on in my blubbering garble.

My past in "manic" states? I have lost 2 jobs, acted inappropriately many times making me slide into depressed states cause surely by being upset with my own actions.  A terrible place of not understanding what was going on within my head, sometimes thinking I would never escape its grip.

All the antidepressants I had been on since last year had been making the Bipolar Depression worse, as they were not "Mood" inhibitors (if that even is the proper way to describe it).  Hopefully the Latuda will help stabilize me, as this is the longest I have ever been depressed with no sign of it lifting, and it has been terrifying.

Why terrifying? because I always worry about people judging me, and not understanding.  Why would I feel this way? as my life has slid downhill, and I really mean downhill with my house, once organized, being a shambles with no organization at all.  I am lucky to make the bed and do up a few dishes daily, never mind those other things which keep a home managed and tidy.  Yes it has been a roller coaster ride, and most days not a very fun one.  I have seemingly, once again in my Life, lost control of it.

I am very fortunate to have understanding friends and family. I can not imagine how people manage without, however suspect more end up committing suicide then not.  A question might come to mind, have I attempted suicide? yes, twice, almost being successful both times, but by the Grace of God, and my brother coming to my rescue by getting me to a hospital a hair short of my life, here I am.

Roller Coaster you might wonder? well today my Auntie called me, and I answered hoping I sounded fine.  Not even an hour later I was a puddle of anxiety and tears, calling my sister who was not home, then next my girlfriend, Vicki, who distracted me enough until I came around a bit better.  This state was not caused by my Auntie's phone call, just the way I am any given time throughout a day.

This diagnosis has explained many of my actions, or lack there of, in past Year.  Now? we will wait and see if I don't eat myself into oblivion beforehand, or worry myself beyond repair.  No it is not fun, and many days I am grateful, not for the death of Robin Williams, but for the knowledge of Bipolar disorder being brought into the light, more so because of his death, and hopefully for more and better understanding of the disorder.

Mental illness, like Fibromyalgia, is a disease you are unable to see, however not seeing something should not mean someone should not be empathetic, should it?  I believe not.

My salvation? having a loving husband, as Rob is to me, and for standing by each other these past 21 years, and still now, regardless of how bad our ups and downs have been.

Those who know me personally, or those who have been following my daily journal here, have more then likely noticed a change the past Year as I never bake any more, I rarely cook, and gardening? a thing of the past for me, and now my daily journal has been lacking as well.  All my interests have gone to the wayside as I  no longer have any energy or desire, along with other things in my life.  I would be mortified right now should someone come to my door and want entry, I could not bare this with the state of my once organization having now been lost.  I am very *sad*, and hope there will be a road of recovery ahead in the very near future.

The Latuda website has some very good information on Bipolar, it may be found by *clicking* HERE., which outlines some information such as follows:

More Signs & Symptoms to Watch For

The signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder are different depending on the type of episode (i.e., manic or depressive). Each episode marks a drastic change from the way a person usually acts and their typical mood.
The Lows
Symptoms of a depressive episode (bipolar depression) may include:
  • No interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Loss of energy
  • Difficulty sleeping—either sleeping too much or not at all
  • Changes in appetite—eating too much or too little
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
The Highs
Symptoms of a manic episode may include:
  • Feelings of euphoria, abnormal excitement, or elevated mood
  • Talking very rapidly or excessively
  • Needing less sleep than normal, yet still having plenty of energy
  • Feeling agitated, irritable, hyper, or easily distracted
  • Engaging in risky behavior such as lavish spending, impulsive sexual encounters, or ill-advised business decisions
Mental Illness still has a stigma attached to it in today day and age, and moreso when I was growing up, when it was never spoke about, or in hushed tones if it had been.  It took me a lot of thought before I could share this today, however I believe it will help me, and hopefully others by doing so.

Thank you for not rejecting me.  Sympathy, I do not need, Empathy? yes please.

Thank is all she wrote, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Friday, 20 November 2015

My Week Behind Me

 Getting a Large Decaf with 1 1/2 Cream from Tim Hortons to me is a treat.  Getting a large that is not a large when they do not fill the cup really peeves me off, and as you can tell by the photos below it happens quite frequently.  My Pet Peeve which has been very annoying to me this past week.

Monday morning Rob went in to have a very large black mole removed from his shoulder.  It had been quite deep and now is causing him a bit of pain since being removed.  He will get the stitches out in another week's time.

Tuesday? I have no idea where that went .... oh yes I do, I met my Niece Joanne in Owen Sound and we did a bit of shopping at Sears and in the Mall, then went for a coffee together.

Oh yes and Tuesday morning this view had caught my eye with the Sun cascading here, there and over the escarpment across Colpoy's Bay.  I had been in Wiarton's Bluewater Park.

Wednesday? I had been invited to go along with a friend to St. Jacob's antique hunting for Christmas Gifts.  We had a nice time together and it was a day away from everything with stops in Neustat, Harriston, Elmira, St. Jacobs, and Conestogo.  A full day it had been.

Thursday I began Light Therapy at the New Leaf Health Centre in Hepworth.  This photo was taken of me at the beginning of the session.  The New leaf Health Centre has much much more to offer then just Light Therapy, and to learn more about what they do offer check out their website by going HERE.  Information about the Light Therapy can be found under the Meditation Tab at the top of the page.  I am not certain if it attributed to, however I managed to sleep 6 hours last night and that does not happen much any more, so time will tell, along with the new medication.

This photo was taken this morning from our front door.  No Love in the Air in that sky today.  Really we had nothing in a few flakes of snow today, however it was cold enough to keep the home fires burning all day long.

My week is almost behind me with one more day ahead, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Kindness Is Free

.... to everyone for your each and every kind word.  I have not enough words to express how much they mean to me.  Thank you also for your continuing support while I attempt to conquer these Mountains I find myself climbing.

Now for some happy moments from past posts .....


Your kindness has overwhelmed me.  THANK YOU.

This is all she wrote this day, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

I Wish I Could Tell You

Lack of sleep has been getting the best of me after months and months of being sleep deprived.  I look back to see my blog posts two years ago and yearn to be back there again, however at this present time I find myself unable.

Over a month ago now I got a diagnosis from my GP, then that seemed not as it was, however he then referred me to a specialist. I had an appointment with this specialist last Friday, who confirmed the diagnosis however was more elaborate with it of course as it is his speciality and why he went to medical school.  My GP I spent 15-20 minutes with, the Specialist it was an hour and a half.

My diagnosis? I have shared with, of course, my husband, who is my best friend, and my youngest son and my daughter-in-law, along with a couple of others who I felt who would care and not question or judge more then I could tell, or what I did tell.  Other family or close forever friends? they will know in person and not from a blog post.

The last couple of years has been a battle spiralling downward having gotten almost at its worse the past couple of months.  This is the one of the worse times I recall that I have felt this way for such a lengthy time.  The specialist has ordered yet another new medication for me. This will be about the 6th different medication in the past year.  I pray it works and is the right one for me.  I am scared of side effects again, however it will be something, again, I will have to chance or I will never know.

This has not been a battle of the past couple of years for me, it has been a lifetime.

I need to work on getting myself better which I believe will be a long process.  I need to digest everything and put it all in its place from all the years past until now.  Was I relieved to get a diagnosis? I am not sure if I really felt anything other then concern for my children, and what I have been experiencing seemingly most of my lifetime, and upset that I did not know until now.  One part of the diagnosis I knew and understand, the other part I had no idea until this Friday past.

I can never share or blog about something unless I feel it inside.  I can not just put something "out there" just because..... but what I have to do is get better for myself, nobody else.

That is all she wrote, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

Thank YOU Brother !

As most of my days the past year and a half, it was not very productive other then the usual make the bed, do the dishes and look after the Aussies first thing this morning.

I did do a wee bit of I retract that, as that happened yesterday.

Sleepless nights do a number on your mind and body, with days and nights seemingly running all together.  Tomorrow I go see another specialist to see if I can be helped with this, if nothing is resolved then my personal Doctor and I have a Plan "B" in mind.  I had made the comment to him that I wished to be the way I had been 2 years ago with my energy and how I felt, he sadly told me that will probably not happen.

I also need to force myself to start drinking water, something I have never cared much for, but for health reasons I have to give it my best shot again.

For months on end I have lost so much interest in the things I had loved to do such as gardening, reading, cooking and baking.  I am happy my husband also knows how to cook, as I have been making only the simplest meals at the best of times with the exception of an odd fully cooked Dinner thrown in from time to time.

Today was one of those Dinners, thanks to my Brother Allan, who had brought us over some Venison Chops, Hamburg, and fresh White Fish just the other day.

This evening it was the Venison Chops in the Crock Pot.  I first Salt & Peppered them, then setting them on a bed of Carrot & Celery chunks, topping with 2 large slices of Sweet Onion and a can of undiluted Tomato Vegetable Soup.  I set the Crock Pot on LOW setting for 10 hours, then the last hour turned it on the HIGH setting.  Rob boiled some potatoes to go along with his meal, while I stayed with the carrots, celery and onion.

Yes Dinner was very very good.

This afternoon my friend, Wenda, and I headed over to Owen Sound to get goodies for the Wiarton Santa Claus Parade candy bags.  We went to do this last year together and had ourselves just as much fun this year.  We got lots off goodies which should make some children very happy to receive.

Between my Doctor appointment this morning and afternoon of Candy shopping, that pretty summed up the day, as it was late in the day when I arrived back home.

I am thinking tomorrow is going to be another drab very wet weather day, as it had been today, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Lest We Forget

                                                        A MAN AT THE CENOTAPH

He comes here often, not just once a year,

to honour those whose names are,

and those whose names are yet to be written

on the stone erected there.

And as he stands with head bowed low, 

he seems to hear a bugle start to blow,

its notes ringing clear upon the air, 

       and when he looks, there's no one there.     
 Then he bows his head in silent prayer

    and perhaps he sheds a silent tear,

                                                        He remembers them.

                                                                       ~  Written By:  Basil Eby  ~

Basil Eby is my Uncle, who resides in Port Elgin, who also proudly belongs to and serves the #340 Legion in Port Elgin.  In remembrance of all those who served and gave our Country freedom, Basil Eby composed this poem in their honour.  Many thanks to my Uncle Basil sharing this poem with so many and with so much respect for those who have served Our Country.

 "Blessed be those who served to set us free & for those who are still among us"
~ Cindy Masterson-Roth ~

That is all she wrote this day, Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard.

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