High Expectations & What "I" Want & Who "I" Am

This morning I had, for lack of knowing how else to say it, an "epiphany".  I have been going way back in my mind looking for times when I was comfortable with "me", even though there is one time I can think of I remember how "freeing it was".

The time this happened in my Life was when I was going to Al-Anon, back in my mid-thirties.  It was at that time I realized "MY expectations set me up for Disappointment".  When I realized this I remember how much better I had felt when I "let go" of how I thought things should be and started accepting I had the steering wheel of how and what I thought.  Where did that freeing "epiphany" go all these years later ….

It was short lived, as I realize now, and I went back to not being or knowing myself.  It was becoming what & who others wanted me to be, and/or expected me to be.  Myself was short lived, and I lost myself once again.

I have recently had another crisis, or disappointment it might also be named, again in my Life.  I have been allowing it to smother and consume me, as all crises and disappointments have done most of my Life since a child.  Something is different this time... I don't want to be consumed by the situation anymore, I don't want to hurt, I don't want it to drive me to unwanted behaviours I have carried with me all my Life, such has guilt, lack of self worth, panic, anxiety, and binge eating.

How am I handling this differently, as I surely hadn't been up until this morning... I started searching and reading about how "Are Your Expectations Setting You Up for Disappointment?"

What am I trying to learn again? …. I am the only one who has the "Key" to myself, I am the only one who can control how I "think or don't think".

Is this going to make me free again, and my Life easier? … not always but it is a start to looking deeper within myself in situations, and hopefully begin not judging myself, or others.  I am hoping this time around in attending a DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) Group, I can put my whole self into it this time to begin the healing.

Is healing and freedom going to be immediate? …. no it will not be, as it didn't happen overnight for me to become the way I am, as it began from when I was a Child, so therefore it will take time, with me maybe never being completely recovered.  This also I am beginning to accept.  

The important thing is me wanting to recover, me wanting to find myself, me wanting to heal, me wanting not to judge myself or others, me wanting to enjoy the Life I have been Blessed with to the fullest.

There are going to be many down days, especially with the crisis at hand, however with support and my willingness for recovery it still will be picking myself up from going backwards, and continuing to go ahead.

Further in the time ahead I am thinking I will someday share how my Life was as a Child, bringing me through adolescence, a young adult, wife, mother...to where I am today.  It will take much soul searching, hurt and healing, but I feel I need to accept all and continue my journey of knowing myself, accepting myself, loving myself, and most of all forgiving myself.

A blogger friend, thanks again Cathy, had posted an article about "Grown Children of Alcoholic Parents".  How these children were described in this article was point on "who I have been" all my Life.... the truth being I could never explain "me" as well as this article explained "me".  Every one of the 10 points are "me" with the exception of no other siblings lived at home from the time I was 7 years old, there abouts.  It answered for me why my Mental Illnesses diagnosis are Borderline Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety, PTDS, although I am not certain that the Bipolar 2 would come into play as I don't think that would be caused by Childhood Traumas, but then again I honestly do not know.  I am confident in saying my "Binge Eating Disorder" emerged when I was a child and from the trauma(s) I had been exposed to.

Should anyone like to get to know the inside of me, please read the article by *clicking* on the following highlighted title.  And anyone who has also had alcoholic parents, maybe this same article will speak to you also and help you seek, if you already haven't, a road to recovery for yourself.

"You Don't Outgrow the Effects of an Alcoholic Parent"
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/06/you-dont-outgrow-the-effects-of-an-alcoholic-parent/?fbclid=IwAR3V8Jdu8L_xX8idxinKzQcm_Pzvu25x96cYaIGYbWWwSqGF9JzZjJD4FsQ

What I also would like to say is I do not blame my parents for being alcoholics, although I know there were times I didn't like them at all, OR probably even hated them, however they had their own Childhood Traumas, and back then (my Mother just turned 92, and if my Dad were alive he would be 98) there was no help for any kind of Mental Disorders, or none that were probably much to speak of.... after all these Years of being treated for depression it was only a mere 2 years ago I was diagnosed properly, and I turned 60 this past March (YIKES !!!!).

Truly my fingers are flying over the keyboard as I have held in so much for so long it seems like it could possibly all come out in this one blog post, however that would not be realistic as I surely would wear out my fingertips and be here for many many many days.

I am pretty certain I have said much in this post for one day, and I guess what is most important to me was and is the realization of why I am how I am, and realizing how I can further change to heal myself.

My longtime Blogger friend, Lynn, & I had a great first time ever visit last week, and I am hoping to blog about it and post photos this upcoming week.

I had a huge Binging Eating episode the past two nights, however I am proud of myself for being kind to myself by having a shower last night.  That is a biggie for someone who suffers from depression and is in a low spot.  Also I am proud of myself that I chose to accept myself for who I am this day, not days ahead, just this day.

*Image found on Facebook"

This is all she wrote this day...."Just North of Wiarton & South of the Checkerboard"

PS:  There is always the "fear of being judged" before hitting the "publish" button, however this too is part of recovery & healing.